Whine

Let me get this out of the way. She was joking, and sent me a big list of stuff that she bought. I should have mentioned that I knew she was joking, because I've known her for forever. Geez I'm so sensitive. What a whiner. I'm like my dog. Nobody likes a whiner.

And there's more whining. Seems there's a thief in our house, and we're pinning one of the four-legged creatures that inhabit this space. One of them, and we suspect it's the stripey kitty, up and stole wannabe dad's wedding ring and hid it. It's gone. Wannabe dad was walking around all lopsided yesterday (and today) because it's gone. We've checked all the corners where kitty likes to hang out, even gave him a toy mouse and followed him to see where he would stash it. That didn't work.

My drain is running a lot slower than it normally does, but all the flashlight shows is grime, nothing shiny. I can't figure out how to pull that darn plug out of the drain to see more clearly. Of all the things we have to deal with these days, a thief cat was not on the to-do list. Thankfully I had the presence to mind to put my jewelry in a drawer instead of leaving them out to tempt a curious kitty. This kitty also likes my hair bands, he'll steal them, make sure they're soaking wet, then leave them out for me to find. At least he's thoughtful.

So please, send your mojo my way so we can find his ring.

Peeking

Keeping myself cooped up in bed/house has kept me from going to my favorite place in the whole world, Tra.der Jo.e's. I guess that's ok, because since it went up last year next to the Babi.es r U.s I've really made an effort to not look to the left at the waddling ladies going in, the carts full of gear coming out, and that special parking for special moms.

At this point it's even too early to think about loading up the credit card with pink or blue things, although I did sneak a look over at craig.slist to see what folks were offering up. I don't have the faintest idea of what a newborn needs outside of breast and blanket. I asked my friend if she would duplicate her registry and set mine up, but setting up a registry is on the list of things she was only doing once (the other thing was having a baby).

Screech! Halt! Stop! Why am I even going there? At 17 weeks, I mean, really. I suppose I am allowing myself to think I'm going to need to shop at some point. I certainly am attached, and we have a lot of emotion (and dollars -- just got the hospital bill for the cerclage holy shit did they charge me for the warm pillowcases for my legs too?, and let's not forget all that fabulous intercourse and the off-chance ovulation in the longest cycle ever) invested. Day by day, I'm taking it day by day, and allowing for some sunshine from time to time.

And I miss my girls day by day. Wannabe dad misses his girls day by day. And we'll never stop missing them and wondering about everything that comes with missing them. Sigh.

Sugary

Cravings of sugar are dancing in my head. I want sugar all the time. I need sugar. Chocolate, un.co.la soda, cake, cookies, ice cream. I'm conscious of this craving and reach for frozen blueberries, potato pancakes, plain yogurt, ice water instead, but this can only last for so long.

The best sugar I get is when the cats come and visit me and curl up on my lap, or between my legs on the blanket. This however, makes me hold my pee which is not a good thing! But who can resist a sleepy kitty!?!?

I was definitely a sugar-holic as a kid. I never said no to desserts or anything sweet. And strangely, as an adult, before this week really, I scoffed at soda and fake chocolate (e.g. bunnies), cookies laced with trans fats plus sugar, and non-bran-ish cereal. But now, everything is fair game. Bring it on. I need to gain some weight here!

We'll see what the glucose tolerance test from yesterday tells me.

***



Happy Valentine's Day, and I use that word "happy" very loosely in this crowd. My V days are never the same, with my girls in the cold hard ground instead of cutting out crooked hearts to give to me.

This is what wannabe dad was in line for this morning, along with tonight's dinner ingredients, next to several hundred other guys. Hilarious! These are simple and still so beautiful.

In my state I simply slaved over some leftover scrapbook paper, pictures of the girls and furbabies (animal photos taken with my phone) and inkjetted on photo paper, glue sticked together and in my best dog and cats and twins handwriting (don't tell), wrote out "why I love you" letters to The Papa. Entitled "A Valentine's Day Love Story."

He loved it. Loved it. Loved it.

Tonight we tackle snapper, red potatoes, asparagus, chocolate covered strawberries, and tv. We don't even need any reservations. Clean underwear? Maaaybe, I could give him that much. But it won't be a thong.

***

What makes me sad these days is that I'm never going to know what Cerina and Nadia would have been like. I know they would have been cute as all get out, but would they befriend the new kids in school? Would they be nerds (preferred) or "popular"? Would they cheat in school, smoke in the dark hallways, or write mean things in their notebooks? I know that as parents we would be strict, making sure our kids mind their manners and mind other people, and teach them right from wrong. We will do this with our subsequent kids, but will never have the chance with our twins.

Shit, we had twins. Had.

17p

We visited the girls yesterday, wiped the marker and emptied the flower container of stagnant water. It was such a beautiful day, sunny and in the high 60s, we brought lounge chairs and Kaleo, although he was more interested in sniffing the grass than having a peaceful moment. We couldn't stay long because the nurse was on her way over to our house.

A shot of 17p in the ass, not as bad as I thought. We're fortunate on several levels.
I - nurse home visit, which means no 1 hour weekly drive. We just have to fit in her schedule, which is easy because we have zero plans for the next 6 months and she lives 10 minutes away.
II - nurse home visit, which means wannabe dad doesn't have to learn the many steps in giving me a shot in the ass. Kudos to partners who have to do that.
III - nurse home visit, which means I don't have to bug my OB's office to give me the shot, although they would be more than happy to do it.
IV - nurse home visit, and she has a doppler, so at least I can listen to Chuck if I can't see baby on the ultrasound. She's also an L&D nurse (antepartum side) and very personable.

The shot itself didn't hurt, just a pinprick, although I feel some tenderness similar to a bruise near the injection area. No visible bruising, and I was comfortable for the rest of the evening. We switch buns next week.

Tomorrow is the follow-up to the cerclage surgery appointment at the peri-go-round. I plan to decline the cerclage viewing, because if it is nice and comfortable it need not be disturbed. How about an ultrasound viewing instead?

My darling cousins were over yesterday for food and cards, and they are awesome. Although they are too young (ages 16, 19, 21, 24, 26, 27) to have any connection with what we are going through, they are a nice distraction and we laughed a lot. One aunt, the mother of three of the cousins, was a little too excited for my liking, happily squealing the C word then counting back the months and family events and wondering how we kept it to ourselves for so long. We explained that this pregnancy is still a bit scary for us, and she asked why, because we were past the point of when miscarriages could possibly happen. We further explained that after our experience anything is possible, especially the bad things, and until the baby is born (and for sure the next 18 years afterward), we will worry. It was tiring, and we managed to change the subject to her upcoming trip to the H.oly La.nd. We do love this aunt very much, but she is very inquisitive and is not shy about it.

My contribution to the food fest yesterday, as little standing as I allow myself, was a quick and easy cookie recipe.

Cake Mix Cookies (or "Cookies With a Cerclage" - ha!)
1 box chocolate cake mix (or use whatever ya got)
2 eggs
1 stick melted butter
1/2 bag chocolate chips (the cake mix is sweet enough)
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Mix first three ingredients, then add chips and nuts. Drop by half tablespoons (so you don't feel guilty about eating too large a cookie!) onto a cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 10 minutes. Super easy, minimal standing, and a sure hit.

Limbo

Never flexible enough to win that game, and now I'm hanging in it with one cheek on the bed, one cheek off. And you bedresters know that both cheeks on the bed, day in, day out, night in, night out (to quote the suga.rcube.s) leads to numbness, soreness, and general irritability.

Word from my OB, after a lengthy discussion with a peri #3, who did not know my history, is that generally a cerclaged woman at my early stage need not be on bedrest all of the time. Ultrasounds at 4-week intervals until 24 or so weeks, then every other week, should catch any funneling that Miss Thing decides to do, at which time it could funnel down to the stitch then I'll be on strict bedrest. The cerclage was placed "nice and high", so high that when my OB wanted to look at it (is it a circus act?), that damn speculum went nice and high too, it could have poked my throat. Shit, that was painful. I was told the band was blue.

To keep from getting that far, I am erring on the side of caution, still working from the bed (and not my sleep on at night bed), staying home, no grocery shopping, no housework, no running (I used to do this a lot, before the twins). I do get up for water, snacks, bathroom. It hasn't been hell so far, as I have enough work to keep me busy. Lots of bookkeeping, project estimating, market research, copywriting, strategizing, marketing for our business and our clients.

I might even dig up some of my oldy moldy stationery (I used to buy the stuff and never use it b/c it was too pretty, then email was invented) and write to some long lost friends.

So I'm holding off on buying any cute maternity clothes. I'm not that big anyway right now.

I've been craving Indian food for the last few days. A month ago it was Korean. My relatives are coming this weekend so I'll do with Filipino food, which I do love.

The nurse called and she is coming on Saturday to give me the first of my 17alphahydroxyprogesterone injections, once weekly till 34 or 36 weeks. Fun for my bun.

I have a question for you four readers: ultrasound has found Chuck's heartbeat way low on my abdomen, near my scar, but my belly is pouching (that's the only way I can describe it) higher. I can't compare this to the twins, since they were pretty much everywhere.


Chuck's food tour: 1 block of firm tofu, topped with a can of tuna, 1 T. of olive oil, 2 t. of soy sauce, and furikake sprinkled all over. Holy fish burps yummmmmmy!

Plugging

I remembered that this was hard, this thing called bedrest.


Although self-imposed at this point -- I called my peri's office to schedule the follow-up appointment, 11 days out rather than 1 week as I was instructed, and asked about whether I needed to be on bedrest, being told that a nurse would call me back but I'm still waiting -- I'm in bed most of the time except for going to the bathroom, showers, and getting water. I have an appointment with my regular OB tomorrow, hopefully she will have better luck from my peri's office.

At four days out, the familiar aches have set in. I'm trying to stay off my back because the injection site is still a little sore (though getting better), and maneuvering my four pillows is difficult in the tangle of the bedspread. I'm still in good spirits which is good.

Wannabe dad has been awesome as usual, moving my office things to our home and setting me up for work. We just finished our Monday staff meeting and our staff is cooperative and helpful. It's a different rhythm, as one of them put it. It's not forever.

A week ago I received not an email from my friend, but a card. She wrote the most thoughtful words and wished us well. I plan on writing her back to tell her our news and to thank her.

There are a few people who we've told our news to that have said some strange things, like: Was it a surprise? Was it planned? These people a) are not parents of dead babies, and b) not skilled in the art of conversation. They know what happened. I'm not 16 years old, of course it was planned and not a surprise. Good grief. But people can be so careless with their words. Now that it's out of my head, I'm over it.

Stitched

No time to mull, obsess, worry, panic, freak out.

The consult with the peri (#1) on Wednesday afternoon yielded a cerclage appointment on Thursday morning. Early, as in report at 6:30 a.m. for a 9 a.m. surgery. #1 reviewed my history (as told to him by me; I thought he reviewed my medical records!), and essentially gave me the choice. We made the 1 hour trek to the hospital this morning, the same one where I delivered the twins.

The spinal block hurt more than the procedure itself, even now 11 hours later. I'm home now, and there's bloody mucous which I'm told shouldn't last more than 24 hours. The peri (#2) who performed the procedure (colleague #1) didn't tell me whether I needed to be on bedrest, and I was too out of it to ask. I need to make an appointment for next Friday for a follow-up, at which time I'll also get the first weekly progesterone injection. I'll find out about my allowed activity level, until then I'll be taking it easy.

I thought I would have been overcome with emotion when we got to the hospital. Thankfully I wasn't, and thankfully the surgery area was in a completely different area from where I was with the girls. The nurses and anesthesiologist were so incredibly kind and helpful, just like those at my last visit. I didn't appreciate how #2 asked if this was my first cerclage or my first child. Through the oxygen mask I told him about my girls. *huge eyeroll*

I feel more secure with the cerclage. I know from reading many other moms' experiences that it's not a guarantee, but coupled with taking it easy for the next 6 months I do feel good about this. I don't want to have a false sense of security, because goodness knows I know better, but because I know better I do feel like I have some control. Translation: no sex, no O face, no stairs, no sitting for long periods of time. Lots of lying down. Wannabe dad is so supportive. He's been planning for this as well. I couldn't have waited for a better man.

And I feel a little loopy (can you tell?), running on lack of sleep, a bladder that fills up quickly, and not eating the huge amount of food I normally do. I am disappointed though, because I only gained 4 lbs in the last 3 weeks. I might have to resort to milkshakes!

15 weeks tomorrow. 25 more to go.