Missing

I've only been vaguely comprehending that they died three years ago. Plenty of reminders for sure, like Thanksgiving, my c-section scar (since cleaned up by my last OB), their absence. Their actual death day, the 24th, was like any normal day: up at 5:30 to nurse LR, at work by 7, doing the usual routine. At a meeting I noted the date in my notebook, paused a bit, then drew angel wings on either side of the date with the initial C in the arc of one wing, N in the other. My micro tribute. Only three people at my company know that we had babies who died, but not the date. It's OK, I don't need sad OMG I don't know what to say looks.

And so today, the third Thanksgiving without our girls, the second one with our boy. We are so grateful for our family, for what we have made with our lives, what we have yet to do, to create. I try to keep everything in perspective, I play pain olympics with myself, "it could be worse," and I make the best of our situation. (That's a very loaded statement, not for this blog, and a constant for me if I am to move forward and make progress.)

I am so excited to spend the next three days with my boys, big and little. What a welcome break!


- Posted using BlogPress on a full belly thanks to my aunt for hosting the feast

Respects

We are on our way to the cemetery.

Stopped for flowers, now stopped for tortillas, what the heck, it's on the way and they're yummy.



We live in a further city now, having sold our home and renting a much smaller home that is closer to my job. No longer of the self employed variety, blame the slow economy for creating all these changes for us.



After much scrubbing of three years' worth of mineral buildup, I got the marker only slightly cleaner. Mind you, I had to decide whose name I was going to work on first, I had to be fair even though they're dead. It was Nadia's because she's the second born, and got to go first this time.

Wannabe dad took the baby and dog for a few rounds throughout the cemetery while I scrubbed.




And scrubbed. I made some progress, I'll continue when we visit them again for Christmas.

Two days from now marks the third anniversary of their deaths. We are emerging, here and there, even though I can barely utter the word "twins" and seeing a set makes me wince. I don't think I'll ever get through that.



LR hanging out with his sisters' heavenly playmates. With cheerios.


- Posted using BlogPress from the cemetery

Three

Birthday pie for the girls.




Three matching candles for each baby.

Wannabe dad made steak for dinner.

My mom called and she sang happy birthday with us via speakerphone.

LR smiled the whole time and clapped at the end. He had some pie crust too.




P.S. He will wear that Halloween shirt from Auntie A until he is busting out of it.

All in all, a significant day, but not a sad one.

Love you, my girls.


- Posted using BlogPress on an impossibly tiny keyboard

Tapering

And I hate that it's doing that, this grief that began three years ago.

We do eventually get to a place where it doesn't hurt so much. I could not have pictured this moment in a million years, in fact I think I hate that it's tapered so much, what an insensitive person I must be, to not be depressed on the eve of their 3rd birthday.

But I guess I'm coming to peace with the fact that I don't have three kids to chase around, that it will be one for the time being, when we're in a better position to think of having another, when I won't have such a fear of being pregnant again, hell, if we can even get pregnant.

Yet I do think of them, always, daily, I say their names in my head, I wear three pendants engraved with my kids' names on a chain, LR jingles it when he's nursing (still at it, we love it! Ok, I know I love it, and he loves milk.)

We are having a special dinner, at home, with cake, candles. How weird would it be for me to show up at work with leftover birthday cake on Thursday, and explain what it's for?

Happy pre-birthday, Cerina and Nadia. I still think of you, there will never be a day that Mommy doesn't send you her love.

Awareness

Keenly aware of where we were 3 years ago today, I am grateful that we survived.

It is day 5 of trying to keep the babies in, on strict hospital bedrest, hooked up to IVs, scared, drugged, worried, bleeding a bit, using a bedpan. A sorry sight indeed, yet trying to keep hope alive along with my babies. Seriously? I wouldn't have minded staying like that for 3 more months if it meant taking my babies home.

And three years later, we are still standing. Different from the people we used to be, wishing that we hadn't gone through such a devastating loss, but we did, and we survived.

We made some mistakes along the way (financially, and added on top of the $10k medical bills was doubly idiotic, I wrote a long rambling post about it which even drove me to tears which I won't publish, but suffice to say do not make huge decisions while you are grieving), but stuck together. Lots of change has happened for us in the last three years, let's leave it at that.

Yet we would not have had this adventure if things were different.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone