Cleared

At today's OB appointment, I was released from bedrest! I am overjoyed and so is the baby, who has been moving like crazy all morning. The office is being rearranged to accommodate me, and we had a staff meeting where everyone was excited to have me back. Ok, they weren't really. (Our staff of two people is really quiet and subdued in terms of their personality and exuding any sort of feelings other than nonchalance.) Two things will put me back in bed: painful contractions and/or vag bleeding. My doc and I shook on it. It is not a big deal if I have to go back to bed.

Yippee!!

Dodged

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"Fine!"

"You passed the glucose test!"

"Wow! That really worried me."

"See you at your next appointment!"

"Ok!"

Whew. 

Injustices

People never cease to amaze me. We informed a customer that his check bounced, and received this reply: 

This is the reason you haves too deposit the check, 

is no ours fall but next time please deposit 

the the same day went I send thank you.

Really? It's not his fault that the check bounced? So if I don't deposit a check the same day I receive it and it bounces, it's my fucking fault? Wow. The funny thing is that wannabe dad predicted this customer would say that. This customer is always wrong and I can't wait to get him out of our lives and off the Christmas list. Some people's children.

Bodily functions never cease to amaze me. As if I haven't been saddled with enough discomfort, enter bleeding hemorrhoids into my perfect sunset picture. Yes, drippy, bright red, right at the surface. I wasn't straining, I promise. I felt a little twinge down there last night and after months of comfortable movements I thought "oh crap". I don't like to do the stool softener because it works a little too well, so I've sent wannabe dad on a yummy fiber tablet hunt. It has to be yummy.

Corporate america never ceases to amaze me. I learned from msfitzita that good ol' 31 flavors is holding a 5/21 hump day promotion and calling it bump day and giving away free ice cream to the impregnated population. I'll skip it, thank you. I don't need to be surrounded by other bumps and get stuck in the damn small talk is this your first how far along are you you're so small wow you're getting so big when are you due how are you doing. Besides, it's so exclusionary, not to mention ridiculous. Who was the marketing idiot behind that one? You deserve free ice cream because you were lucky enough to ovulate and have perfectly timed intercourse (or had an oops). How about a free ice cream day for people with two legs? Oh, I'm sorry you lost your leg defending our country, you can't have free ice cream. And a day for people with hair. Oh, you're going through chemo treatments? Shucks, you can't have free ice cream. 

Yet the carb cravings never cease to amaze. I still have a quarter gallon of vanilla ('cuz I ate half of the half gallon) that is mocking me, that I've left alone since I failed the glucose screen a few weeks ago. I did manage to survive the 3 hour test (with pillow and video ipod - thanks Rachel for the suggestion!) but no results yet. Please please please, a passing score. If I pass, I will ambush the ice cream.

Gas prices. You saw that one coming. Believe it or not, I've gotten wannabe dad to agree to sell one car for one used scooter for two, two helmets, and two bicycles. It will be sad to say goodbye to the Accord but I'll quickly get over that.

Other than the above topics of today's bitchfest, the weather is gorgeous after record high temps last week, so we'll save some money on cooling costs. Baby is moving, shifting, rolling, settling into his favorite spots and hiccuping daily. I'm listening to 10K maniacs (old & new) and miss merchant. This music reminds me of college and generally mellow times in my past life. 

We are in the 30th week, just 2 more weeks of bedrest assuming no painful contractions. I'm trying to keep the ants in my pants at bay. They are excited and ready to go! According to the u/s tech last Thursday, my cervical length is 3 cm, but wannabe dad saw a measurement on the screen that said 3.8 cm. Huh? Best to wait for the results. My doc is very good about calling with results, hopefully she will today or tomorrow. I will be sure to mention the lovely action down there too.

Holding

Why did wannabe dad think that my thigh, last night as we settled in for the night, was my belly? He made me laugh.

It just dawned on me that I am in the third trimester. Holy cows. This is my very first ever third trimester, having done three firsts and one second. This is all new territory for me, with new aches, more pillows have joined the bed, my weight hasn't changed much from 2-week appointment to 2-week appointment, and the vag discharge is flowing. Nice. It's enough to gross me out but not enough to worry about. The b-h ctx have calmed and I'm feeling the tightening even more as it puts pressure on my bladder. Surprisingly, I haven't been constipated (though I know I'm not off the hook just yet).

We talked to the doc about a VBAC, and that I was leaning toward that. She is open to it as long as I don't go past my due date and if I go into labor naturally. If she has to induce me, a c-section will be more likely. I am not completely opposed to another c-section, the main goal here is to go home with a living child. And if I want to get an epidural, I will have that option. 

Doc is going to let me "get up" at 32 weeks, hopefully earlier after she gets my cervical length on Thursday. The deal is, if I start to feel contractions prior to 36 weeks it's back down for me. 

At 36 I'll be "free" and the stitch will come out then. I'll post a picture of it (the string). I know it's blue. Too bad I can't sell it and pay off that darn surgery bill.

What else...oh yes, turns out I failed the glucose screen with a score of 152. Passing is 130. Gulp. I didn't even barely pass. I take the 3-hour test on Friday. Please no GD!

Another

A 2nd Mother's Day without our girls. Sigh. This one was not as bad as the first, with the kicking of this little guy reminding me to smile. Our day began with watching The Office on the 'net in bed, then grand plans to pick up a gourmet McD's breakfast (I even packed my own real butter since the arches like to serve margarine) for our picnic at the cemetery.

But first, Kaleo had to run run run so a quick stop at a nearby park.

And a quick stop at a drive thru coffee shop.

Finally the McD's drive thru, but it was 10:44 and breakfast ended at 10:30. Scary chicken sandwiches were reluctantly ordered since it was too late to back out of the drive thru. 

We haven't been to the cemetery in over a month. It felt good to be there again, to wipe down the marker and clean around it as we had done every week since the burial. We kissed our hands and touched the rough engraving of their feet as we tenderly rubbed each set of footprints. It still feels weird to read their names in the hard stone, coupled with our last names. How could this happen to us?

Wannabe dad made me the best card -- homemade, with scraps from the box o' assorted stationery paper that I've accumulated over many years. It was so cute! I recognized each piece he used in the card. (Somewhere in that box, a long-ago purchased greeting card is missing its envelope...)

All in all, it was dare I say a good day. I'm making dinner while wannabe dad is at work (it's a quarter to 8, being your own boss bites sometimes). At least we're at home and safe from the commercialization of this day. 

Wishing all the Mommies of children gone too soon, a day of peace and lots of love.

Inbetween

Torn. 

Between moving this hospital bed desk to the corner and moving my laptop to the desk to sit in a chair and work.

Between moving this home office back to the office to be a functional working person.

Between reveling in the glory of being pregnant and sweating about this ticking time bomb.

Between jumping up and getting dressed and shaving my legs and brushing my hair and putting on moisturizer and makeup and being among the two-legged, less hairy species that inhabit my little corner of the earth.

I'm afraid I've gotten too used to being a bedrested hermit. I don't know how I would act in a room full of people who interact with one another, who have brains that work, brains that are stimulated, people who have intelligent conversations with other people instead of cats.

Even an invitation to the grocery store freaks me out.

I've been fortunate enough to have visitors over the last three months, people who know us and know our story so we don't have to worry about those questions being thrown at us. When I am out in public, now that my belly has nowhere to hide, I don't look at anyone. I don't want to be the recipient of congratulatory smiles or outreached hands or Is this your first? This question, it has happened, and it made me ill.

And it made me ill because to the 17 year old cheery cashier I had to fake not having any anxiety about the baby without having to divulge my entire reproductive history. Clearly, he wouldn't care, and wouldn't know why this lady who just bought a gigantic bra and huge maternity shorts would even be telling him about her children who died and I'm off in 10 minutes and going to a party and man why you gotta bring me down like that?

Even at 29 weeks tomorrow, with no pain, with b-h contractions that have been more calm lately, with baby kicking up a storm, I feel like nothing could go wrong.

But everything could go wrong.

***

Let's welcome a learning curve to this happy home -- I am transitioning to using a Mac after years and years of PC usage. My computer also runs Windo.ws and there are some nuances to switching back and forth between the two so I can use Qui.ckboo.ks. Strange days are ahead.

***

Along with the huge maternity shorts and gigantic bra, I supersized my underwear. Taking out all 6 from the dryer the other day and holding them up, I thought I bought too big.

But they fit like a glove on my ass. Good times.

***

After this Saturday, I will have a mere 7 more 17p shots in my bum to go. The ones in my right cheek tend to smart for a few days, unlike the ones that go in my left. Hmm.

***

To VBAC or not to VBAC, that is the question.

Illusion

Resurface

Mixed in with the bills, the shopping circulars, the tempting credit card offers, the lovely "EOB" (explanation of benefits) forms from my insurance company that make my heart stop in a bad way every time I open one, was a letter from a former friend. Pretty stationery of the Thomas Kinkade variety, complete with crinkly vellum envelope. No return address, but I knew.

A nicely handwritten, carefully crafted letter apologizing for the loss of our girls after hearing about them from a mutual friend. An added apology for the ill timed baby announcement, received a month or so after the babies died. This is all well and good, yippee for her now that her conscience is cleared. Give her a pat on the head.

My daggers for her go way back, after she wrote me off for being honest with her, after she asked me to. Yet, more than a year later her only contact with me is a baby announcement. I can easily say that had we not lost our girls, I would have been happy for her but would still choose to not continue the friendship. She has always needed to be the center of attention and that announcement, however ill timed it was, sought to serve that purpose.