Reaching

The dark days of grief don't cloud us as much anymore. They visit occasionally, and of course we never forget about our girls, and in a minute I can transport myself back to the horrific days, weeks and months following November '06.

I woke up each day remembering that they were gone, turning over all the whys and the could haves and the shit-we-shouldn't-have-done-that-or-they-would-still-be-here thoughts. We attended the support group meetings that were unfortunately 1 hour away, and they were helpful to a point (this particular group didn't/doesn't have structure, like some where you would work with the same group of people and a counselor to move through the different stages. There were unfortunately, new people at each meeting which was just agonizingly numbing for them and detrimental to the progress, so to speak, of regular goers.)

So we decided to get our therapy in another way. We did it not only for ourselves, but for other parents who have experienced a loss, in a way that would grab people by the shoulders and shake them.

We were interviewed last year around this time by a local magazine. This magazine features the residents of our city, and most of the stories have been about their personal or professional accomplishments. Upbeat. Rah rah. Not this one.

The article was printed in this month's issue, 1 year later. It tells about our experience, as step by step as possible without getting mundane or gross/TMI, our feelings of utter loss and despair, and the aftermath of other people dealing with us outside of the people who "got it" (although if you've never gone through it, you won't ever get it, like my dad who told me "at least you're still pretty" aarrrgh!!). It doesn't sugarcoat.

We've received many comments via the publisher, mainly from moms who have lost a baby (neonatal), who thanked us for the article. We've gotten calls and comments from our acquaintances in the community who know us but didn't know all the details or simply didn't know (you don't exactly say, Hi I'm so and so, my babies died.). I received a call today from a mom who stopped into the office to thank me personally (she lost her twin girls at 21 weeks), but she had to reach me at home since I'm working from my "office bed" (I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted to see my belly anyway, and I don't blame her one bit). I got a call from someone who acknowledged that it's not the same thing, but her adoption plans did not go through, and I replied that hopes and dreams were lost all the same. She was appreciative of how open I was with my feelings in the article. (I think she was more surprised, we've only ever dealt with each other professionally.)

When babies die, I think you have to beat people over the head with it just for them to acknowledge the level of loss. (This is why I never let people get away with saying the girls are in a better place or that things happen for a reason.)

And then there's the one person who acknowledged our losses, then upon confirming my pregnancy, told wannabe dad, "Well, there you go!" WTF???

I did hear from the publisher that there was a person who didn't like the article because it was sad. Sometimes there are no happy endings. And a sub pg does not a happy ending make. (Although we did not mention my sub pg in the article.)

There were so many more things I could have included in the article, but there just wasn't enough space. We really wanted to let those outside of this awful grief circle know how to treat their friends and family who might experience the death of a baby, and that what they think are words of comfort don't really comfort. All that is needed is an "I'm sorry" and a big hug, and if they really get it, offering dinner or help around the house.

Please email me if you would like a copy of the article: bigmaybe at gmail dot com.