I have been getting frustrated very easily. Frustration turns to anger, bordering on rage! And when I feel that, baby feels it too and responds with kicks and movement. Is that hunger I'm feeling or my stomach turing due to stress? I feel out of control. I'm worried about finances (just got a notice from the old insurance company that they paid "the maximum allowed by your plan" for the twins' hospital expenses and that the hospital may bill me $26K!! what the hell am I supposed to do with that?), property taxes and insurance premium are due next month, business has been slow because of the economy, and I can't exactly go out job hunting.
Deep breath, everything will be ok I tell myself. This is just a bump in the road. (Why did I quit my other job?? I ask myself that too.) Can I pimp my cats out? I have no problem selling my car for a cheaper one but unfortunately that needs the blessing of the other decision maker in this house.
My other ideas for getting some cash: sell my old jeans which I will never fit in again, sell wannabe dad's old pla.ys.tation games (serious offense if I did that, what is it with men and vidgames?), rifle through my jewelry and sell the good stuff, sell sell sell whatever I'm not using that someone, anyone would stand to buy. I wouldn't expect to make a windfall but I would at least feel like I'm doing something instead of just moaning about it. I even had the crazy idea to sell root cuttings from my canna lilies in the garden but someone would have to dig them up! And even crazier still -- get a roommate! I am at a loss.
Ugggh. I don't mean to air my dirty laundry financial woes on the internets I am just in a place I haven't been pretty much ever, and I'm not able to do anything about it (since I'm stuck in bed).
Surprisingly though, I am very productive as a bed captive. I wrote a long overdue business plan for our business, now entering its 3rd year. I have an 'office bed' set up so I can work on any projects that we get. Although it's difficult to sound peppy to clients on the phone while lying down, I somehow manage (takes lots of concentration though! Lots.). I'm always on the lookout for opportunities to work.
Sigh. I'm sure there are loads of people in this boat. I just don't know how to manage it.
And I'm anticipating the 24w5d milestone. I would even back that up to 23 weeks, which is when I went into the hospital with the twins. Shudder at the flashback. I have an appointment to check my cervical length at 24 weeks on 4/3. I don't understand why I'm not getting weekly cervical length checks, when other moms in the IC support group do. Not that I'm demanding it since my last measurement was a heavenly 4.5cm and I'm taking it really easy. Apparently the standard of care for a member of the IC/cerclage club is not standard.
The last thing I need is to go from normal to 3cm dilated with a bulging bag. Fuck.
Let's just add this post to my "documentation" folder. I hope to laugh at it one day.
Anyone know what the lottery is up to?
At least -- this tangle of kitties makes me smile (see the two ears and the black blob on the left? kitty count = 3).
2 comments:
I am sorry-- this sounds very stressful and not easily resolved.
I hope you don't need to sell the good stuff yet, but I think it can be very liberating to sell the things you know you won't be using anymore. Jeans that stress you out with their small size is certainly in that category, I think. If it would make you feel better to start a little ebay sideline from your office bed, it may actually be something to do. And if Wannabe Dad would be willing to do the mailing supply fetching and post office runs, it can work out great for you.
yes, liberating is the right word. i keep thinking of that stack of once cute on me hip hugger jeans, and it makes me ill. to have them out of my house would be good.
i took a day "off" work today, and i do feel better. i think i need to do one day off a week.
now i'm going to make some whole wheat banana muffins. wait, after a nap.
thank you for your helpful suggestions.
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