Armed with the nerve to make my first OB appointment, I had to say it out loud when asked what type of appointment it would be:
"I'm four weeks pregnant."
And I am so freaked out. I don't know how long I'll be able to say the words "I am pregnant" without my head adding "and this is my third one. And I already had a miscarriage. And I already had twins. They died. And I don't know how long this one is going to last."
I keep counting the months to 9, a summer baby for sure, but would that be early as in June or term to July, or G-d forbid May or April (not viable)? There's no such thing as "don't think about it" as that is all I have been doing lately.
And I wish the receptionist at my OB's office had a better memory, so she wouldn't have to ask if I was already a patient, or if the doc had seen me for this pregnancy yet. "No, not for this one," I replied.
If she asks me how the twins are doing, I will have to deck her. And take pictures. And post them.
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born 7/11/08
moki
kaleo
kika & limu
count: one miscarriage. "lost" twin girls. one son, born in july 08. we are happy, but missing our girls. this is a blog about loss and love and everything that comes along.
born 7/11/08
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6 comments:
You know, this is ridiculous. My file is tagged at my OB's. The reason I know is that no matter who picks up the phone, even months later and not for a pg appointment, once they get my patient card number, they get very accommodating, and get the nurse for me right away. I only wish I had cause to call them as of late...
No, I don't expect there would be a way to not think about it.
So did you see the OB yet? Do you know what the plan for this time around is?
Great big oodles of good luck to you.
Oh, do I remember these first phone calls. I was shaking each time - put them off as long as was reasonable. I hope that from this point on the receptionists will remember.
Thinking of you, and sincerely hoping for a July birth.
I think the receptionists, nurses, doctors, whoever, somehow want to suppress the memories of us, who they must somehow see as their "failures." That's really the only explanation I can think of.
I'm hoping your appointment goes smoothly.
I'm sure your appointment will go okay. Just keep your fist clenched and it will all be alright.
I went to a new doctor for two reasons. First, I wanted a high-risk obstetrician. Second, I didn't want to speak with anyone about my baby's death or my miscarriage. It turns out I shouldn't have worried about the second reason. The new high-risk doctor's staff often asked me my history, and each time, I had to curtly explain the worst experience of my life. I'll be checking in to see how your doctor's appointment goes.
I know that "freaked" feeling. I will be praying for you and hopeful this first appointment goes well.
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