Revealed

I first met my paternal grandmother when I was 12. She and my grandfather moved to H.aw.aii from the Phi.lippi.nes in the '80s. I never got that close to her, I think it was because I didn't know her as a younger child, and also because she's not that kind of grandmother. I learned how to use a sewing machine watching her for hours sew squares upon squares of scraps to create pillowcases and crooked, batting-less square blankets. She was always henpecking my grandfather, watching her money closely, and grumbling about something. She bought me and my brother small gifts for the holidays, and as a spoiled Ame.ric.an teen I don't remember being very thankful.

She and my mother have never gotten along. Rumor says my grandmother wanted my dad to marry another classmate instead of my mom. I remember vividly my Mom being in tears as she recalled how she bought my grandmother a beautiful H.awai.ian ring as a gift. My grandmother slipped it on her finger and in the same motion she brought the newly ringed finger up to her mouth and proceeded to pull the ring off her finger with her teeth! Horrified, my Mom left the room and immediately told my Dad. He stormed over to my grandmother and chewed her out. That was probably over 10 years ago. After repeated attempts to get close to her, my mom has finally learned to keep her distance.

In June when my parents were in town, I had the good, rare fortune of spending hours with my Dad. It was pretty cool, although I didn't mean for him to pay for lunch b/c I really had to use the restroom. After a day of errands we were preparing dinner and I asked him if he knew anyone whose babies died. Yes, he said, your grandmother, my mother. What! I was incredulous. In the '40s after the war, she had two babies, a boy and a girl, die about two years apart, a few days after birth. My dad was about 6 (or younger?) and he remembers that she cried a lot. In the '60s another daughter passed away from an infection due to retained placenta a few days after giving birth.

My grandmother has 4 living daughters and 1 living son. She has had 3 of her children die. Only recently did I realize that all these years she has carried around this weight. It has shaped her into an ungrandmotherly, unmotherly person. I don't know what her reaction was upon hearing about the twins. She had a minor stroke about 1.5 months ago and my mom told me that she cried when she learned that I asked about her. I do wish that I could talk to her in person. I wonder if she would be open to talking about her babies. (I also want to know so that I can add this information to my next whenever it is genetic counseling appointment.) I also wonder if my babies didn't die, and if I never asked the question, if I would ever have known this about my grandmother. It makes me think of what other bits and pieces are waiting to be revealed.