Her twin pregnancy was pretty uneventful. Everything went according to plan; perfectly operating cervix, perfectly placed placenta, no gestational diabetes, no preterm labor, no preeclampsia. No problems whatsoever. The beautiful boy and gorgeous girl were delivered at 37 weeks and some odd days. Full term.
One week later, the girl baby, the smaller of the two by 10 oz., died. SIDS. This was yesterday.
My brother and sister-in-law are devastated. We are in complete shock, and feeling helpless. At 32 weeks, I can't fly nor drive to be with them. My brother is in survival mode and he understandably hasn't gotten back to me via phone. My mother is there with them (shit, she has to go through another grandchild's death), which is hopefully giving them some comfort.
Damn unfairness.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
27w6d
Not for lack of desire, but I'm a bad blogger. I actually compose lots of stuff all the time, but the posts are in my head and I just can't make myself type them out on my phone. Access to a laptop is spotty, and I'm just lazy at the moments. Many moments.
Happy to report that I am still pregnant! This is a tremendous accomplishment for a deadbabymama; each passing day/week is a milestone no matter how "good" things look. I'm under regular care of a perinatologist and OB, which is unlike my last pregnancy with LR when I was mainly seen by my OB (also because the perinatologists were not geographically accessible). Wannabe dad administers the majority of my progesterone shots unless I have a Thursday appointment and I bring the shot with me. B-H contractions are definitely present, but no more than 4 an hour.
The other week I splurged by eating oysters, and I blame them for indigestion which I feared was cramping. Three hours worth of worrying, and I monitored the B-H contractions which did not increase. It was definitely strange and I mentioned it to the physician's assistant at my OB appointment. She wanted to check my cervix, but I declined since it measured awesomely and closed just a few days before. The less people in my cooter, the better.
Other things of note: LR turned 4 and we finally got serious about potty training him. He had been sitting on the toilet every night for a year and a half but refused to do it outside of that. Pee and poop in the toilet were few and far between. The pediatrician wasn't worried, just told us to take our time. Then wannabe dad spent 3 days doing potty training boot camp (in the garage, with toys and a little potty and an alarm clock to go every hour) and the little guy did great!! It's been a month and he's had very few accidents. He has sticker charts which increase in boxes for stickers, and when he completes a chart he gets a surprise. He wears pull-ups at night, but outside of feeling ill one night, is dry in the morning. We are overjoyed with his progress (and ours), and I'll be even more overjoyed when I don't have to spend another dime on a package of pull-ups!
More: I had a birthday! I had a great day. A spa day followed by steak and lobster for dinner. I have the best husband who made a delicious breakfast complete with pumpkin pancakes, and LR picked out flowers for me.
Happy to report that I am still pregnant! This is a tremendous accomplishment for a deadbabymama; each passing day/week is a milestone no matter how "good" things look. I'm under regular care of a perinatologist and OB, which is unlike my last pregnancy with LR when I was mainly seen by my OB (also because the perinatologists were not geographically accessible). Wannabe dad administers the majority of my progesterone shots unless I have a Thursday appointment and I bring the shot with me. B-H contractions are definitely present, but no more than 4 an hour.
The other week I splurged by eating oysters, and I blame them for indigestion which I feared was cramping. Three hours worth of worrying, and I monitored the B-H contractions which did not increase. It was definitely strange and I mentioned it to the physician's assistant at my OB appointment. She wanted to check my cervix, but I declined since it measured awesomely and closed just a few days before. The less people in my cooter, the better.
Other things of note: LR turned 4 and we finally got serious about potty training him. He had been sitting on the toilet every night for a year and a half but refused to do it outside of that. Pee and poop in the toilet were few and far between. The pediatrician wasn't worried, just told us to take our time. Then wannabe dad spent 3 days doing potty training boot camp (in the garage, with toys and a little potty and an alarm clock to go every hour) and the little guy did great!! It's been a month and he's had very few accidents. He has sticker charts which increase in boxes for stickers, and when he completes a chart he gets a surprise. He wears pull-ups at night, but outside of feeling ill one night, is dry in the morning. We are overjoyed with his progress (and ours), and I'll be even more overjoyed when I don't have to spend another dime on a package of pull-ups!
More: I had a birthday! I had a great day. A spa day followed by steak and lobster for dinner. I have the best husband who made a delicious breakfast complete with pumpkin pancakes, and LR picked out flowers for me.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Circling
The days feel the same: wake, eat, snack, read/watch, eat, nap, read/watch, snack, eat, sleep.
Notice that "worry" is not on the list.
Very different than my pregnancy with LR, when I was constantly worrying about every little thing. Worrying won't change anything, whatever should happen. I also feel more relaxed which is also aided by not having to stay so horizontal. Small miracles.
A few items of note for my records:
-Felt the baby move at 19w3d.
-Sporadic round ligament pain on right side
-Picked up crocheting thanks to YouTube. I'm still practicing my tension, it's all over the place. I do better with chunky yarn=harder to see imperfections
-Cervix is measuring awesomely!
-Husband has administered two 17p shots. (The first time was scary all around, maybe because of my yelling?)
Need to do:
-Learn to play guitar
-Sign up LR for violin lessons
-Save money in case I get fired for being out too long
-Figure out how to fit the baby in this house...this could also wait until the baby comes home, because you know what could happen...
Notice that "worry" is not on the list.
Very different than my pregnancy with LR, when I was constantly worrying about every little thing. Worrying won't change anything, whatever should happen. I also feel more relaxed which is also aided by not having to stay so horizontal. Small miracles.
A few items of note for my records:
-Felt the baby move at 19w3d.
-Sporadic round ligament pain on right side
-Picked up crocheting thanks to YouTube. I'm still practicing my tension, it's all over the place. I do better with chunky yarn=harder to see imperfections
-Cervix is measuring awesomely!
-Husband has administered two 17p shots. (The first time was scary all around, maybe because of my yelling?)
Need to do:
-Learn to play guitar
-Sign up LR for violin lessons
-Save money in case I get fired for being out too long
-Figure out how to fit the baby in this house...this could also wait until the baby comes home, because you know what could happen...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tied
Just completed the last dose of indomethacin at 2 am. Woke up due to a weird dream, LR was in the car with me as I was driving to find the address with the number 1500. I kept driving around and around and he was right at my lap, I was trying to hide him since he was obviously not in his car seat-- completely unlike me to do this -- and I could not for the life of me find that address. I pulled over to text my friend but noticed it was too early so typed it and didn't send it. I'm not about to figure out what this dream means.
I did feel a slight gush of discharge, went to check and thankfully it was not blood, and now sitting up in bed it is not happening.
Cerclage was placed today. The procedure itself was about 15 minutes during which I was deep breathing to calm my shivers due to the chill in the OR, and while singing our walking down the aisle song in my head suddenly found myself ugly crying! WTF! I couldn't stop! Doc asked if I was in pain, I said no, meanwhile the pulse oximeter monitor beeping is steadily increasing due to my ugly crying and the hot anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm me down to which I whimpered Yes. I remember having that dull being under feeling last time, but this anesthesiologist did not automatically give it to me. If I by a slim chance have to go through this again, I will ask for it so I can avoid the ugly cry.
Recovery was not swift, with an overly full bladder and my legs feeling thick like logs, there was no emptying that sac. One nurse who wore too much perfume said I had to empty it myself, meaning pee on my own and two hours later the nurse who placed a catheter asked why I didn't ask for a cath earlier.
***
This has been happening frequently in the last three months; the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, and I'm left feeling like the asshole. This is teaching me more and more to stop waiting for shit to happen and to be in charge of my own shit. I hate being so damned passive and agreeable.
Back up to Big Fuck Up: perinatologist saw my referral form with the check mark for peri counseling four days prior to when her medical assistants scrambled to book my cerclage appointment. Said the OBs office should have faxed the form to them. I had the form for over a month.
The medical assistant was giving me hell: "you had this form for a month?"
When I was booking the appointment with the peri office I mentioned that checkmark, to which the person said "oh that's later." Now I know she was referring to the genetic counseling.
***
Finally the anesthesia wore off and six hours after the surgery ended I did my thing. Got another dose of the antibiotic and we were on our way home. Took a nap. Had dinner. Didn't give LR a bath (sad Mama), Papa
did instead. Will pick that up again in a few days and stop at 18-28 weeks.
I'll be taking it easy for the rest of the pregnancy, not strict bedrest this time like with LR, but definitely no housework, no carrying LR (love doing that!), no exercise. Just lots of resting and relaxing. My leave from work started yesterday.
As of today I am 13 weeks 4 days along. Belly is definitely showing. Lots of peeing and gas. Onions and spicy food do not agree with me. Had a slight cold at around 10 weeks, no fever.
I'm sure hubby thought the anesthesiologist was hot too.
I did feel a slight gush of discharge, went to check and thankfully it was not blood, and now sitting up in bed it is not happening.
Cerclage was placed today. The procedure itself was about 15 minutes during which I was deep breathing to calm my shivers due to the chill in the OR, and while singing our walking down the aisle song in my head suddenly found myself ugly crying! WTF! I couldn't stop! Doc asked if I was in pain, I said no, meanwhile the pulse oximeter monitor beeping is steadily increasing due to my ugly crying and the hot anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm me down to which I whimpered Yes. I remember having that dull being under feeling last time, but this anesthesiologist did not automatically give it to me. If I by a slim chance have to go through this again, I will ask for it so I can avoid the ugly cry.
Recovery was not swift, with an overly full bladder and my legs feeling thick like logs, there was no emptying that sac. One nurse who wore too much perfume said I had to empty it myself, meaning pee on my own and two hours later the nurse who placed a catheter asked why I didn't ask for a cath earlier.
***
This has been happening frequently in the last three months; the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, and I'm left feeling like the asshole. This is teaching me more and more to stop waiting for shit to happen and to be in charge of my own shit. I hate being so damned passive and agreeable.
Back up to Big Fuck Up: perinatologist saw my referral form with the check mark for peri counseling four days prior to when her medical assistants scrambled to book my cerclage appointment. Said the OBs office should have faxed the form to them. I had the form for over a month.
The medical assistant was giving me hell: "you had this form for a month?"
When I was booking the appointment with the peri office I mentioned that checkmark, to which the person said "oh that's later." Now I know she was referring to the genetic counseling.
***
Finally the anesthesia wore off and six hours after the surgery ended I did my thing. Got another dose of the antibiotic and we were on our way home. Took a nap. Had dinner. Didn't give LR a bath (sad Mama), Papa
did instead. Will pick that up again in a few days and stop at 18-28 weeks.
I'll be taking it easy for the rest of the pregnancy, not strict bedrest this time like with LR, but definitely no housework, no carrying LR (love doing that!), no exercise. Just lots of resting and relaxing. My leave from work started yesterday.
As of today I am 13 weeks 4 days along. Belly is definitely showing. Lots of peeing and gas. Onions and spicy food do not agree with me. Had a slight cold at around 10 weeks, no fever.
I'm sure hubby thought the anesthesiologist was hot too.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Next
It's a good thing I didn't delete this blog. It was good reference for all that we went through to bring LR to this world. I took some notes to bring to my new OB tomorrow, for the First Appointment for the next baby.
Praying that this is not: a) false; b) ectopic; c) not viable; d) twins or more. By my approximations (as in when my BBT shifted) I am about 7 weeks along. If you go by the date of my LMP, I am 9 weeks along. Hopefully the ultrasound will help with any adjusting.
I already answered two awkward questions: How many pregnancies is this? Um, 4. How many births? Um, 3. I'm 40, high-risk, and I have a funky (and spreading) rash on my leg that appeared in December 2009, and I stopped using the topical corticosteroid just two weeks before I conceived, as I suspected this was contributing to non-conception. But I can't be absolutely sure it was stopping the corticosteroid, since I also did some Mayan massage and started taking Fertility Blend. Why I didn't do this regimen sooner is really beyond me, but this timing is seeming to work out with my work schedule. I just hope work is open to me working from bed.
So tomorrow I find out the plan for this pregnancy: the cerclage, bedrest, 17p shots. Here we go again.
Praying that this is not: a) false; b) ectopic; c) not viable; d) twins or more. By my approximations (as in when my BBT shifted) I am about 7 weeks along. If you go by the date of my LMP, I am 9 weeks along. Hopefully the ultrasound will help with any adjusting.
I already answered two awkward questions: How many pregnancies is this? Um, 4. How many births? Um, 3. I'm 40, high-risk, and I have a funky (and spreading) rash on my leg that appeared in December 2009, and I stopped using the topical corticosteroid just two weeks before I conceived, as I suspected this was contributing to non-conception. But I can't be absolutely sure it was stopping the corticosteroid, since I also did some Mayan massage and started taking Fertility Blend. Why I didn't do this regimen sooner is really beyond me, but this timing is seeming to work out with my work schedule. I just hope work is open to me working from bed.
So tomorrow I find out the plan for this pregnancy: the cerclage, bedrest, 17p shots. Here we go again.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Is
The one big maybe, is.
And it's wonderful.
Oh sure, there are many mornings when I just want to lay there, curled up in the warm bed, but there's breakfast to be made (what will he refuse today?), there's a diaper to change (please, diaper, I hope you held up during the night, do I have to get a bigger size already?), there's a trip to the park to make (don't forget the sunscreen, hat, snacks, water, extra clothes, diaper bag, I hope he doesn't eat the wood chips at the playground), there's lunch to prepare (what will he refuse today?), there's a nap to take (will he fall asleep without crying because he would rather play play play? how long will he sleep please make it two hours so he's well rested and maybe mama can take a nap nap too), there's a snack or two (how many cheerios can one child eat? his hand is permanently inserted in the snack trap, wonderful invention), there's play (in other words, scatter the blocks, throw the legos, chase the dog, dog licks him resulting in a temporary rash, maybe play with the bubble machine, a little bit of baby einstein), there's dinner (what will he refuse today? will he just eat rice by the handfuls?), bathtime (in the kitchen sink, because we are too old to bend over in a tub, unless it's a Saturday then we all get in the tub), there's getting ready for bed (to nurse or not to nurse? he'd rather nurse, I've stopped pumping since the end of February and oh my gosh, I thought he'd be weaned by now? Oh well, when you want boobie you want boobie but I've been reducing it by one night a week, in other words, 6 on, 1 off, next week will be 2 on, 5 off, and so on until *cross your fingers* the boobie will be near and dear to his distant memory), including storytime, brushing teeth, lots of kisses, a cry in protest, then off to sleep land.
But wait, that's just the weekend!
I wish I had the luxury of staying home with him. During the week I just have 3.5 hours to spend with him after work, since I stopped the morning feedings a few months ago. Now that it's warmer we try to squeeze in a walk after dinner (well, he goes for a ride in the hiking backpack, loves it!). We make the most of our time together, which of course includes lots of hugs and kisses.
Anyway, I will migrate my thoughts to another blog, which is in its infant stages at the moment, and so far the tone of the blog is balancing motherhood and working (for insane people) and carrying around deadbabymama baggage. Yes, of course it pops up here and there.
Message me if you want to know where I'll be (and if you're the type of person who will leave a comment that links to a stupid website thinking it's going to get you more customers, and you don't realize that only three people read this blog a year, do not bother! I'd really like to throw wadded up poopy diapers at you. Big poopies.)
And it's wonderful.
Oh sure, there are many mornings when I just want to lay there, curled up in the warm bed, but there's breakfast to be made (what will he refuse today?), there's a diaper to change (please, diaper, I hope you held up during the night, do I have to get a bigger size already?), there's a trip to the park to make (don't forget the sunscreen, hat, snacks, water, extra clothes, diaper bag, I hope he doesn't eat the wood chips at the playground), there's lunch to prepare (what will he refuse today?), there's a nap to take (will he fall asleep without crying because he would rather play play play? how long will he sleep please make it two hours so he's well rested and maybe mama can take a nap nap too), there's a snack or two (how many cheerios can one child eat? his hand is permanently inserted in the snack trap, wonderful invention), there's play (in other words, scatter the blocks, throw the legos, chase the dog, dog licks him resulting in a temporary rash, maybe play with the bubble machine, a little bit of baby einstein), there's dinner (what will he refuse today? will he just eat rice by the handfuls?), bathtime (in the kitchen sink, because we are too old to bend over in a tub, unless it's a Saturday then we all get in the tub), there's getting ready for bed (to nurse or not to nurse? he'd rather nurse, I've stopped pumping since the end of February and oh my gosh, I thought he'd be weaned by now? Oh well, when you want boobie you want boobie but I've been reducing it by one night a week, in other words, 6 on, 1 off, next week will be 2 on, 5 off, and so on until *cross your fingers* the boobie will be near and dear to his distant memory), including storytime, brushing teeth, lots of kisses, a cry in protest, then off to sleep land.
But wait, that's just the weekend!
I wish I had the luxury of staying home with him. During the week I just have 3.5 hours to spend with him after work, since I stopped the morning feedings a few months ago. Now that it's warmer we try to squeeze in a walk after dinner (well, he goes for a ride in the hiking backpack, loves it!). We make the most of our time together, which of course includes lots of hugs and kisses.
Anyway, I will migrate my thoughts to another blog, which is in its infant stages at the moment, and so far the tone of the blog is balancing motherhood and working (for insane people) and carrying around deadbabymama baggage. Yes, of course it pops up here and there.
Message me if you want to know where I'll be (and if you're the type of person who will leave a comment that links to a stupid website thinking it's going to get you more customers, and you don't realize that only three people read this blog a year, do not bother! I'd really like to throw wadded up poopy diapers at you. Big poopies.)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Reset
He was demanding in the amount of love, attention, and respect he needed from his family, mostly, it seemed, from his son -- my husband -- as wannabe dad could never call him enough, see him enough, take him to lunch enough, or even think of his father enough.
And yet, in the last three months of his illness, his middle son lead the charge in scheduling round the clock presence of family in the first month, visited him no less than twice daily, played his favorite music, conferred with the doctors and nurses about outcomes and ifs and chances, and weighed options of nursing homes, while coming home in time to bathe LR and read him story after story until the baby's eyes were as heavy as his own.
His father knows now, as he sees his "hijo ingrato" from his heavenly abode, of the love that his second son had for him. He oftentimes did not deserve the respect he craved, but in all of the planning and decision-making that went on, each and every decision was made out of respect and based on "what he would have wanted." *
It will take time for wannabe dad to feel ok, not just from the grief of his dad's death, but from the should haves. Should he have called/saw/lunched/thought of his dad more? Of course. And even if he did all those things, he could always do more. There's always more. It would have never been enough.
So we go through it again, we reset our emotions and crank up the tears, and make the arrangements that were once so unthinkable, then we start the healing process. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, but I do know what grief does to a person. It's no walk in the park.
My dear husband, please take the time to grieve this loss, and I will be here to help you through.
(*if it's not obvious, there was no advance directive in place, no funeral pre-planning, and no estate planning done by my father in law, which made it triply difficult to determine what he wanted and at the same time weigh all of the input from his wife, her kids, and my brothers in law. Lesson.)
And yet, in the last three months of his illness, his middle son lead the charge in scheduling round the clock presence of family in the first month, visited him no less than twice daily, played his favorite music, conferred with the doctors and nurses about outcomes and ifs and chances, and weighed options of nursing homes, while coming home in time to bathe LR and read him story after story until the baby's eyes were as heavy as his own.
His father knows now, as he sees his "hijo ingrato" from his heavenly abode, of the love that his second son had for him. He oftentimes did not deserve the respect he craved, but in all of the planning and decision-making that went on, each and every decision was made out of respect and based on "what he would have wanted." *
It will take time for wannabe dad to feel ok, not just from the grief of his dad's death, but from the should haves. Should he have called/saw/lunched/thought of his dad more? Of course. And even if he did all those things, he could always do more. There's always more. It would have never been enough.
So we go through it again, we reset our emotions and crank up the tears, and make the arrangements that were once so unthinkable, then we start the healing process. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, but I do know what grief does to a person. It's no walk in the park.
My dear husband, please take the time to grieve this loss, and I will be here to help you through.
(*if it's not obvious, there was no advance directive in place, no funeral pre-planning, and no estate planning done by my father in law, which made it triply difficult to determine what he wanted and at the same time weigh all of the input from his wife, her kids, and my brothers in law. Lesson.)
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