365 X 24 X 60

That's how many minutes ago our twin daughters were born. That's how many minutes I've spent thinking of them in the last year, guilty thoughts, loving thoughts, feeling resolved, feeling angry, feeling sad and broken.

23 weeks

They were born alive at 24w5d, and Cerina even let out a tiny cry. It was just so amazing to hear her voice, considering how young she was. Nadia didn't make a peep when she was delivered 3 minutes after her sister. That was to be expected.

They were rushed to the NICU via warmed elevators. Wannabe dad went with them, then joined me in the recovery room. I was there from about 2:15 a.m. then wheeled to our room at 5:30 a.m., so tired and cold. My uterus was contracting, I was told it was due to the pitocin that was used to shrink it back down.

When I woke up the next day, I couldn't believe the babies were born. My belly was only slightly smaller, and goodness I was in so much pain, and my head felt strange from the bedrest. I do remember the immense happiness peppered with trepidation. I thanked wannabe dad for being such a huge support, doing everything for me while still working on clients' projects (he designed the logo of a new pizzeria that opened in town this year) and holding us together.

He wheeled me up to the NICU at 4 p.m. I finally saw them. They were unbelievably tiny, only 12 inches, their legs the size of my fingers. They were in the same room but in separate isolettes. When I walked in I felt like I was intruding. I don't know why, they were my babies!! For a first time mom this was certainly not a good experience. I looked at them through the glass. The nurse explained the babies' surroundings and the bili-lights. Both girls had their eyes covered (I didn't see their faces until 6 days later, when they were removed from the machines, baptized, and we held them for hours) because of those lights.

Cerina

Nadia

Cerina (top) and Nadia with their Papa's loving touch

They were just beautiful. Their earlobes were unattached like their Papa's. Their nailbeds were the same shape as their Papa's. They had my nose (flat and wide :) ). They would have been good girls because we'd be strict. We wouldn't let them date until age 30 (ok, 21). They are the lights in our eyes and the fire in our hearts.

And today was the first time I didn't go the cemetery. Their birthday. What impeccable timing. I contracted a nasty, achy, congesty cold. Low grade fever of 99.3. I didn't leave the bedroom all day long. This is the first cold I've had since January and it is eating me alive!

Wannabe dad picked up balloons, potted flowers, and even a piece of cake for the girls. I'll upload a short video once I find the cable. My mom called to wish the girls a Happy Birthday, N called, and even our lovely neighbor gave us cards made by her daughters and some beautiful flowers. Now while the night hasn't yet ended, I am still expecting calls from A and M. Not too much to ask, do you think? Well, I'll cut A a lot of slack since she is hauling around two industrial-sized bowling balls from her chest (her words; isn't she hilarious?). I haven't talked to M for a few weeks so I'm not sure what's going on.

If they had called they would have heard the news directly from me: I decided to whip out the stick and pee on it this morning, because I thought it would be a lovely birthday gift.

And it was lovely, but a scary gift too.

And I realize it's waaaay too early to tell anyone, but if it doesn't work out, this wonderful community will be there to offer support.

P.S. If you know me in real life, please not a word to anyone else. Please.