Tres

It was our third session together. The first time, it was me and wannabe dad. The second time it was just me. Today's session was again just me. All of these sessions were 1 week apart. I must be fixed because we didn't have much to talk about. Instead, there were uncomfortable silences, polite smiling, even staring contests. At some point I asked her, "now what?"

We decided to see a grief counselor "just because" it seemed like the right thing to do. I have met with this counselor three times but I don't know what she can help me with. Although I am sad, I don't feel depressed. When we go to the cemetery on Sundays, I stand at Cerina & Nadia's grave and talk to them, and I don't cry. I look at the scrapbook I made probably once a week, and I don't cry. I think about them every minute of the day, and I don't cry. I talk to the insurance company and the Social Security office (the cards have not yet arrived >:< ) and I don't cry. People have asked us if we have children, and we always say we had two daughters who were born premature and passed away. Not once have I cried during these explanations. Last night I dreamed about Nadia surviving and when I woke up I felt happy that I at least dreamed about my girls.

Our next appointment is two weeks from now. I might just cancel it. Or maybe she's not the right one for me? Or I'm equating tears with needing help?

I admit that I am dreading going back to work on 3/7 and running into someone who God forbid doesn't know what happened. After I give a look of shock and dread, the tears just might come.

P.S. Yoga is still going strong.