My job as a product manager requires me to do competitive retail shopping. This means going to the mall / retail stores to investigate cool products out there that we may want to benchmark in order to create a new product. So I went to the mall with two other co-workers for a few hours today.
Bad idea. Baaaad.
Malls are where new moms hang out. They nurse in the Nordstrom lounge. They enter your field of vision with a chubby baby before you can do anything about it. They walk together and it's stroller derby. The restrooms are near the baby clothes stores or departments. Smart for the new mom, bad for the mom in mourning. I feel especially bad, because I have no living children. I feel really beat up right now.
This is why I am hermitorious. I will stick to competitive shopping online.
And today marks the 6 month anniversary of our daughters' deaths.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Sigh
I had a few minutes to flip through a local magazine while waiting for my dental appointment and came across an article about dealing with obstacles in life. I had read the article two weeks before but didn’t think much of it, especially since it said “putting a positive spin…”. Now that I had a few minutes to wait, I pretended to read the article again, but this time I read it more deeply. It’s at the bottom of this post.
So I finished the article and felt the familiar welling up start. Nope, I’m not going to cry all over this magazine, I told myself. I was able to suppress my tears (not what I normally do), and lo and behold! Holy pregnant hygienist Batman! Sigh. My luck on a Monday, and every day it seems. I hid my horror and focused on anything that was above her shoulders. I felt bad about not asking how far along she was. While she worked on me (sweet baking baby near my head for an hour) all I could think about how my girls were dead and how much I missed them and this pouch of a belly sticking out from my undershirt but thankfully hidden by the overblouse and again I had to try and keep the tears from coming. And even through the pain of the ultrasonic cleaning thingy they didn’t come. Whew.
Something so routine as a freaking dental appointment has become so incredibly difficult. (Wannabe dad said that his hygienist was pregnant too (different office). He also has a difficult time seeing babies and pregnant bellies.) I have another appointment with her in 3 months, by that time she’ll probably be even larger. At least I’ll have been forewarned.
Diagnosis – my lovely gum pockets are better than I thought they were, but frankly I’m surprised that my teeth haven’t spontaneously jumped out of my rapidly rotting gums by now. My life is full of peris – perinato1ogist, perio dontist – there was a girl in college named Peri who I remember was very sweet and moody and talked about things she did with and to her boyfriend waaay too much.
***
Learn.ing to Turn Poison into Medic.ine
“We need to confront the world as it really is.”
May 2007
Our ability to move through a crises increases if we approach any situation with a view to achieving some positive outcome.
In other words, rather than spending energy on trying to avoid some dark experience or striving to find some easy way around it, you can generate energy by embracing that which is most difficult in your life.
A technique, called “reframing issues as blessings,” involves putting a positive spin on anything that is usually viewed as a negative situation or event in our lives.
The technique is completely different than the chirpy Pollyanna-type attitude that fails to grapple seriously with some difficult situation by merely pretending that the problem doesn’t exist. We need to confront the world as it really is — to acknowledge pain, suffering, and loss when these things come into our lives, as they will certainly come. But then overcome these.
You can waste a lot of energy trying to go under, over, or around a difficult situation, but if you reframe the thing in order to view it as a learning experience rather than as a problem, then you are likely to resolve it much more quickly. The goal isn’t survival. You can simply use whatever manure that has suddenly been dumped on you to grow a flower — or a garden. You can recognize the strength and resources available inside to move forward.
We must seek for things to give meaning to pain — to search with an air of expectation for resources to overcome the tendency to engage in the random and uncontrolled pattern of negative thinking and behaviors that we otherwise fall into.
All the issues in our lives create energy. We can turn the poison of even dark events into medicine that will make us strong and healthy in previously unimaginable ways. The fact is that when life crashes around you in rubble, the destruction simply provides materials from which you can construct something else in your life — perhaps more wonderful and beautiful than what was there before.
But even if you can’t get things back to a better state than you formerly had, at least you will have built something positive in your life out of the disaster that you had to endure. Losing a spouse through death seems at first to be painful almost beyond endurance. But the loss can eventually open doorways into relationships with interesting people, possibly some fascinating new hobby or even a career that we never would have experienced otherwise.
The principle applies to all the bad things that come to us. Getting fired from a job is the most obvious example. It might have been an awful loss. The job was possibly comfortable and familiar. But then a doorway suddenly opens into a better job — possibly a whole new profession.
The loss of a child is one of the worst events a human being might go through. But people who endure such things may subsequently come to experience life on a level that was previously closed off to them. Opportunities suddenly open up for sharing tears, prayers, laughter, warm hugs, and mutual progress through grief with others.
Petty annoyances and the distractions of materialism often fall away as life becomes vibrant and meaningful on a completely different level than was possible before.
A dark mass shows up on an x-ray and the prognosis is bad. We can reframe even this as a blessing. By doing so, then all of a sudden we find the energy to engage in projects we might have been putting off for decades. We’re restoring relationships that were severed, and we’re greeting every new day with a sense of expectation that we never had before. We’re turning the poison of cancer into medicine for our souls.
Losing our eyesight might mean that we hear birds singing — possibly for the first time in our lives.
Whatever we’re faced with, we can figure out how to use tragedy for growth. So we no longer have to fear life. We can develop a mind-set that can provide a framework for the kind of indomitable personal philosophy that many of us have been wishing for.
You don’t get over things that come into your life, you get through them. And then the process of “getting through” becomes a dynamic source for human development — providing healing for broken hearts and becoming like jet fuel to propel you forward into a life of living, serving, and even celebrating.
Eile.en Norto.n, Psy. D
So I finished the article and felt the familiar welling up start. Nope, I’m not going to cry all over this magazine, I told myself. I was able to suppress my tears (not what I normally do), and lo and behold! Holy pregnant hygienist Batman! Sigh. My luck on a Monday, and every day it seems. I hid my horror and focused on anything that was above her shoulders. I felt bad about not asking how far along she was. While she worked on me (sweet baking baby near my head for an hour) all I could think about how my girls were dead and how much I missed them and this pouch of a belly sticking out from my undershirt but thankfully hidden by the overblouse and again I had to try and keep the tears from coming. And even through the pain of the ultrasonic cleaning thingy they didn’t come. Whew.
Something so routine as a freaking dental appointment has become so incredibly difficult. (Wannabe dad said that his hygienist was pregnant too (different office). He also has a difficult time seeing babies and pregnant bellies.) I have another appointment with her in 3 months, by that time she’ll probably be even larger. At least I’ll have been forewarned.
Diagnosis – my lovely gum pockets are better than I thought they were, but frankly I’m surprised that my teeth haven’t spontaneously jumped out of my rapidly rotting gums by now. My life is full of peris – perinato1ogist, perio dontist – there was a girl in college named Peri who I remember was very sweet and moody and talked about things she did with and to her boyfriend waaay too much.
***
Learn.ing to Turn Poison into Medic.ine
“We need to confront the world as it really is.”
May 2007
Our ability to move through a crises increases if we approach any situation with a view to achieving some positive outcome.
In other words, rather than spending energy on trying to avoid some dark experience or striving to find some easy way around it, you can generate energy by embracing that which is most difficult in your life.
A technique, called “reframing issues as blessings,” involves putting a positive spin on anything that is usually viewed as a negative situation or event in our lives.
The technique is completely different than the chirpy Pollyanna-type attitude that fails to grapple seriously with some difficult situation by merely pretending that the problem doesn’t exist. We need to confront the world as it really is — to acknowledge pain, suffering, and loss when these things come into our lives, as they will certainly come. But then overcome these.
You can waste a lot of energy trying to go under, over, or around a difficult situation, but if you reframe the thing in order to view it as a learning experience rather than as a problem, then you are likely to resolve it much more quickly. The goal isn’t survival. You can simply use whatever manure that has suddenly been dumped on you to grow a flower — or a garden. You can recognize the strength and resources available inside to move forward.
We must seek for things to give meaning to pain — to search with an air of expectation for resources to overcome the tendency to engage in the random and uncontrolled pattern of negative thinking and behaviors that we otherwise fall into.
All the issues in our lives create energy. We can turn the poison of even dark events into medicine that will make us strong and healthy in previously unimaginable ways. The fact is that when life crashes around you in rubble, the destruction simply provides materials from which you can construct something else in your life — perhaps more wonderful and beautiful than what was there before.
But even if you can’t get things back to a better state than you formerly had, at least you will have built something positive in your life out of the disaster that you had to endure. Losing a spouse through death seems at first to be painful almost beyond endurance. But the loss can eventually open doorways into relationships with interesting people, possibly some fascinating new hobby or even a career that we never would have experienced otherwise.
The principle applies to all the bad things that come to us. Getting fired from a job is the most obvious example. It might have been an awful loss. The job was possibly comfortable and familiar. But then a doorway suddenly opens into a better job — possibly a whole new profession.
The loss of a child is one of the worst events a human being might go through. But people who endure such things may subsequently come to experience life on a level that was previously closed off to them. Opportunities suddenly open up for sharing tears, prayers, laughter, warm hugs, and mutual progress through grief with others.
Petty annoyances and the distractions of materialism often fall away as life becomes vibrant and meaningful on a completely different level than was possible before.
A dark mass shows up on an x-ray and the prognosis is bad. We can reframe even this as a blessing. By doing so, then all of a sudden we find the energy to engage in projects we might have been putting off for decades. We’re restoring relationships that were severed, and we’re greeting every new day with a sense of expectation that we never had before. We’re turning the poison of cancer into medicine for our souls.
Losing our eyesight might mean that we hear birds singing — possibly for the first time in our lives.
Whatever we’re faced with, we can figure out how to use tragedy for growth. So we no longer have to fear life. We can develop a mind-set that can provide a framework for the kind of indomitable personal philosophy that many of us have been wishing for.
You don’t get over things that come into your life, you get through them. And then the process of “getting through” becomes a dynamic source for human development — providing healing for broken hearts and becoming like jet fuel to propel you forward into a life of living, serving, and even celebrating.
Eile.en Norto.n, Psy. D
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Version
I am made up of pieces of my former self, many times removed, with two permanent holes in my heart, pieces that are all mixed up and put back together in some haphazard fashion. Things I used to like and do are memories of the past. And I don’t have much say in the matter. This grief thing is bigger than me.
Here are some words I use to describe my new life:
Hermitorious – when I skip the annual raging pool party. Nobody will miss me, but if I attend and start crying in the corner of the yard, I’ll definitely be remembered and probably pitied.
Sigh language – when I see a bump, a baby, or twins of any age, I sigh and avert my eyes. When feasible, I turn in the other direction.
Handkersniff – the cotton hanky I keep in my purse "just in case". It’s switched out weekly, daily, or as needed.
Belastic – the elastic-waisted pants I wear to accommodate my new belly size
Obsessive compassive – being involuntarily compassionate for others going through grief
What are some words you use to describe your new life?
Here are some words I use to describe my new life:
Hermitorious – when I skip the annual raging pool party. Nobody will miss me, but if I attend and start crying in the corner of the yard, I’ll definitely be remembered and probably pitied.
Sigh language – when I see a bump, a baby, or twins of any age, I sigh and avert my eyes. When feasible, I turn in the other direction.
Handkersniff – the cotton hanky I keep in my purse "just in case". It’s switched out weekly, daily, or as needed.
Belastic – the elastic-waisted pants I wear to accommodate my new belly size
Obsessive compassive – being involuntarily compassionate for others going through grief
What are some words you use to describe your new life?
Monday, May 14, 2007
Helpless
The car jerked slightly to the left, so I made sure to keep my distance. I slowed down, and the car ahead jerked again. I noticed movement inside the car through the dark tint of the back window. Oh shit, he’s hitting her, I automatically thought. I couldn’t see any of the passengers being that far away, but that’s what came to mind. I hoped to pull up next to him at the stoplight but he got into the lane in front of me. I continued to follow them through the left turn, never getting close enough to see any of them. Good, another light. He rolled down his window and I could see there was someone behind him in the back seat and sure enough, a passenger to his right. He let his arm hang out of the window. Good, with his right hand driving he can’t hit her, but eventually he rolled up his window (no doubt to hide from passersby) and again the car jerked at the same time that he hit her. Shit! Shit!
He made a u-turn in front of me and made a right turn onto a main street where just a moment before he could have made a left. No doubt he made the U to get away from this person following him for the last seven miles.
I was alone. I was so helpless.
3 Y T S 3 7 9
He made a u-turn in front of me and made a right turn onto a main street where just a moment before he could have made a left. No doubt he made the U to get away from this person following him for the last seven miles.
I was alone. I was so helpless.
3 Y T S 3 7 9
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Days
the day you were pregnant
the day you took extra care of your body
the day you picked up a "how to" book
the day we found out we were having TWINS
the day we told our family
the day we heard the heartbeats
the day the doctor told you to stay off your feet
the day we moved into the hospital
the day you were brave and strong for the 4 of us
the day the doctor told us it was time to deliver
the day i held your hand while the whole table shook
the day we found out we were having girls
the day we only heard one of the girls cry
the day we learned about grad.e IV
the day we cried while our hearts fell to the ground
the day we held our babies
the day we came home alone
the day we read our letters to our family & friends
the day we visit our babies and say their names
these are the days that makes you a mother
not just any ordinary mother but a
wonderful extraordinary mom
with love,
wannabe dad
Monday, May 7, 2007
DDS
New dentist. Medical history form. Check off any illnesses you have had. None all the way down. Have you recently been hospitalized or had a major operation? Please describe. I described: bedrest and c-section. Shit. Turned in the form.
Small chit-chat with dental assistant. What can we help you with? I need help with gum pockets. I had a deep cleaning last October, but never went back for the follow up appointment because I had to go into the hospital. I delivered twin girls. They didn't make it. I know I said too much, but what the heck, get it over with. The anticipatory smile on her face quickly turned south.
Rewind, replay, this time with the dentist. But this time I held back at first. Why didn't you go back for the follow up? I uh, umm, ummmm had to go into the hospital to ummm...give birth. That smile. They didn't make it. South.
It was so awkward. Neither of them said anything, just continued with the dialogue but believe it or not, they were so kind and it really showed in their expressions and I was actually ok. And they were very nice when I first arrived and very nice throughout the appointment and while scheduling the next one. Or maybe something was different in me.
Small chit-chat with dental assistant. What can we help you with? I need help with gum pockets. I had a deep cleaning last October, but never went back for the follow up appointment because I had to go into the hospital. I delivered twin girls. They didn't make it. I know I said too much, but what the heck, get it over with. The anticipatory smile on her face quickly turned south.
Rewind, replay, this time with the dentist. But this time I held back at first. Why didn't you go back for the follow up? I uh, umm, ummmm had to go into the hospital to ummm...give birth. That smile. They didn't make it. South.
(Who else ya got back there that I need to tell this story to?)
It was so awkward. Neither of them said anything, just continued with the dialogue but believe it or not, they were so kind and it really showed in their expressions and I was actually ok. And they were very nice when I first arrived and very nice throughout the appointment and while scheduling the next one. Or maybe something was different in me.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Battles
Me vs. AF
Super size me, Kote.x. Are all postpartum periods like this? I've resorted to monster-sized pads because even super plus gargantuan tampons are no match for this battle. I also keep expecting some retained placenta to rush out like a dirty secret. This is the period after the cycle in which I ovulated (for me it's every other), so at least there's a pattern, although a much different pattern than before my pregnancy.
Me vs. Denim
It's at least interesting. I'm not depressed or stressed about this, like I am when I have to cram my ass in my new-used jeans right when they're freshly washed. Even though they're low cut, when I sit the waistband squeezes me two inches below my bellybutton, and at the right position my scar gets pinched. I think I need to go back to the recycled clothing store (remember the compact) and find something that fits me without squeezing me. Just need to find the time.
Us vs. Them
We've been such hermits. It's certainly much easier to be "okay" when it's just the three of us (gotta include the kitty, who is now neutered after being a tomcat all over the couch and the rug and the curtains). I don't have to brace myself for every insensitive comment or unwanted advice, or excuse someone for "not meaning it", or wonder why no one is asking me about the girls, or figure out why someone hasn't called. Grief is a very lonely place.
Me vs. Snappy
And after hearing the mailroom guy tell someone that his nephew had "another girl, he gets to suffer like I did with four girls", and spending time figuring out why I didn't say some snappy comment, replaying the could-have-been-ugly scene in my head, it's really much easier not to be around people.
My Mind vs. Newborns
One of the many expected babies that I know of was born last week. I was left off the family email distribution (wannabe dad's side), but I read it on his email. We got the family a Tget gift card, but I have no plans to see the baby, a girl, 10 pounds 6 oz. I honestly don't know how I would react, and I certainly don't want to cry all over a baby. The other shoes will drop in a few weeks, two in a few months, many more after that.
PIM vs. Them
Some of the family members of parents in mourning from our support group have asked them, "Why don't you want to see [your brother's/cousin's/sister's] baby? Why should he have to suffer, it's not his fault." I have pondered this, and it's not a matter of making anyone suffer. The parents are the ones who are suffering, and to say that they are making someone else suffer because they're not sharing in the joy of a newborn is selfish. I would like to believe that most of our family/friends would not think we were making anyone suffer by not sharing in their joy.
Blogging vs. Sleep
I've been catching up on blogs for most of the day, when I should have been working (home biz is AWESOME! working all the time leaves little room for socializing). But for now, sleep must win so I can work more tomorrow. But one more.
Thoughts of Na.dia & Ceri.na vs. Busy Working
I amaze myself that I can constantly think of our girls even during a hectic, frantic day. I never want to forget them, and I never want to get so busy that I forget to think about them. Never.
Super size me, Kote.x. Are all postpartum periods like this? I've resorted to monster-sized pads because even super plus gargantuan tampons are no match for this battle. I also keep expecting some retained placenta to rush out like a dirty secret. This is the period after the cycle in which I ovulated (for me it's every other), so at least there's a pattern, although a much different pattern than before my pregnancy.
Me vs. Denim
It's at least interesting. I'm not depressed or stressed about this, like I am when I have to cram my ass in my new-used jeans right when they're freshly washed. Even though they're low cut, when I sit the waistband squeezes me two inches below my bellybutton, and at the right position my scar gets pinched. I think I need to go back to the recycled clothing store (remember the compact) and find something that fits me without squeezing me. Just need to find the time.
Us vs. Them
We've been such hermits. It's certainly much easier to be "okay" when it's just the three of us (gotta include the kitty, who is now neutered after being a tomcat all over the couch and the rug and the curtains). I don't have to brace myself for every insensitive comment or unwanted advice, or excuse someone for "not meaning it", or wonder why no one is asking me about the girls, or figure out why someone hasn't called. Grief is a very lonely place.
Me vs. Snappy
And after hearing the mailroom guy tell someone that his nephew had "another girl, he gets to suffer like I did with four girls", and spending time figuring out why I didn't say some snappy comment, replaying the could-have-been-ugly scene in my head, it's really much easier not to be around people.
My Mind vs. Newborns
One of the many expected babies that I know of was born last week. I was left off the family email distribution (wannabe dad's side), but I read it on his email. We got the family a Tget gift card, but I have no plans to see the baby, a girl, 10 pounds 6 oz. I honestly don't know how I would react, and I certainly don't want to cry all over a baby. The other shoes will drop in a few weeks, two in a few months, many more after that.
PIM vs. Them
Some of the family members of parents in mourning from our support group have asked them, "Why don't you want to see [your brother's/cousin's/sister's] baby? Why should he have to suffer, it's not his fault." I have pondered this, and it's not a matter of making anyone suffer. The parents are the ones who are suffering, and to say that they are making someone else suffer because they're not sharing in the joy of a newborn is selfish. I would like to believe that most of our family/friends would not think we were making anyone suffer by not sharing in their joy.
Blogging vs. Sleep
I've been catching up on blogs for most of the day, when I should have been working (home biz is AWESOME! working all the time leaves little room for socializing). But for now, sleep must win so I can work more tomorrow. But one more.
Thoughts of Na.dia & Ceri.na vs. Busy Working
I amaze myself that I can constantly think of our girls even during a hectic, frantic day. I never want to forget them, and I never want to get so busy that I forget to think about them. Never.
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