Air

Finally getting a breather to post. I have noticed that lately my posting has seriously dwindled from infrequent to nonexistent. Many times the need to inundate my blog with documentation of various daily injustices (along with words like these which I hardly ever say in person) I encounter as a Mom in mourning is so great, yet time escapes me.

I think generally I am doing well. Not well to the point of I have forgotten everything that happened to our family 8 months ago, or well to the extent that seeing pg women and babies don't sour me somewhat, or well to the degree that I don't think of Cerina and Nadia (this is silly, even if I was completely well I would always think of my children). I even find myself just a tiny bit more sociable at work, actually joking with the co-workers and not being as much of a cube-hermit. When I feel jolly like this, I count on my fingers the number of months that passed where I hid my face behind my hair, kept my sunglasses on until I was safe in my cube, didn't even acknowledge people approaching then passing me perpendicularly, and didn't look up in the kitchen. It was so unnatural but so necessary. People even noticed how I had changed.

And I wasn't fazed about news of a friend's pregnancy (her daughter is a mere 8 mos old), believe it or not -- what got me was that I was on the receiving end of another "I wanted to tell you myself..." speech (you SO know how those go!). Her news didn't bother me so much as the whole tiptoeing around me did. Shit! This is not how things were supposed to be! My friends were not supposed to be tempering their happy pg news with me, but share it with a huge smile and receive a huge smile and a hug in return. I gave the whole "I appreciate your sensitivity" line but inside I was so mad that I even had to say that. I was not supposed to be the Mom in mourning.

*Lump in throat* I am so in denial sometimes.