Rambleday

The certificates printed, the thank-yous written, the envelopes sealed. Then I discover: the certificate is missing a word. A very important word. A word that completes the name of the workshop I gave on Tuesday. My eyes bulge. Expletives fly. Carefully open envelopes, remove error-filled certificates and recycle, reprint new error-free certificates, resign and restuff, locate glue stick and reseal. No big, I've been through worse.

***

Now that the banana tree is pregnant, I am giving it more care. I'm watering it daily (100 degrees the last few days), talking to it, petting it. Ok, I'm not talking to or petting it. A silly thought flashed in my head as I was watering it the other day: take care of this tree, because it is giving fruit.

***

Before my FIL moved out of wannabe dad's childhood home, we had a chance to dig up some of my MIL's roses (she passed away 21 years ago when wannabe dad was a teen). I was able to keep two plants alive for about 2 years in a pot, dutifully watering, spraying for buggies, clipping spent blooms in the right place, even moving them to our new home. Long rambling story short, they are poof! Dried up. So in my feeble attempt to right the wrong, I bought a replacement which I will plant tomorrow morning before he wakes up. It will be in his view out of the home office window. Tomorrow is his birthday.

***

I was in the card section at the local Tget. Since there have been lots of babies born in my circle, and I'm sure more that I don't yet know of, I was planning to stock up on cards.

I couldn't go through with it. I'll send greetings hopefully before they graduate from high school.

***

Speaking of graduation, our nephew graduated from high school last weekend. Something our girls will never do. So unfair.

***

I found a local support group for moms who have lost children. The other moms lost teenagers. A tragedy for sure, but I couldn't relate. Sigh.

***

"So how's the new mommy?" co-worker asks
Holy crapoly. "What?"
"You had twins, right?"
"Ummm...nobody told you?"
"No, what...?"
"They...they died. Nobody tells you anything, huh."
"No. I'm so sorry. Omigosh. I have kids. I can't imagine. I am so sorry."
"Thank you."

I held it together until I turned around to walk back to my desk. When everything was happening last year, looking back on it now, I actually felt ashamed that my babies died! Completely irrational, I know, but I didn't want to be whispered about. I asked that my email only be forwarded to people I actually knew and well, liked. Didn't matter, some of those who I like have not greeted me since my return in March. Blame it on uncomfortable, but I don't like them anymore.

***

I finished that book. It was comforting. I bought two copies, one for me, one for another person (no one in particular, though I handed it to my mom and she couldn't even open the cover for fear of crying) who I want to understand where I'm coming from. Wannabe dad is reading the section for Fathers, at least. I hope he finds some comfort too.

***

It seems a job promotion is on hold as long as I'm part time. Dangling the carrot are we? A career at this company is non-existent in both of our minds anyway. My long-term goal is to be a mommy.

***

My mom and her siblings are finally making arrangements for my 94-year-old gramma, who is in a care home after falling last October. I don't know if she knows what happened with the twins. No one wanted to upset her. They'll be waiting for her, but they might wait a while because their great-gramma is a fighter on a feeding tube! The good news is that she will be in a spot that's a stone's throw away from the girls.

***

"Do.es A.ge Ma.tter"? Who comes up with these inane shows? He hurts my eyes.