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born 7/11/08
moki
kaleo
kika & limu
count: one miscarriage. "lost" twin girls. one son, born in july 08. we are happy, but missing our girls. this is a blog about loss and love and everything that comes along.
born 7/11/08
EMAIL ME
bigmaybe at gmail dot com
daily/often reads
- a mending heart
- bedrest and beyond
- brief brilliant miracle dive
- certainly not cool enough to blog
- crib chronicles
- dead baby jokes
- everything is under control
- further records
- i won't fear love
- losses and gains
- moksha
- no matter how small
- still hopeful
- the littlest bean
- the.para.graph
- vegetarian mom
- neonatal doc
- halfway there
- lulu and other related stories
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paws in the house
moki
kaleo
kika & limu
4 comments:
The days, especially during the first year, are so hard. But eventually, I think there starts to be a shift to where the days get easier, but the years get harder. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just know that for me my grief isn't so day to day anymore. But when I stop and look at the passage of time, and especially on anniversary dates, it gets harder to imagine so much time has gone by since I held them in my arms.
I think Lori has it exactly right. Time does eventually heal, but it also deepens our pain.
You'd think it would... At least I sometimes think it should. And every time I think it should, it makes it very clear to me how mistaken I am.
I think we expect to grieve the loss of a child the way we have grieved other losses in our lives, but this is unlike any other loss. There's no comparison, and so the grief and pain exhibit themselves differently and take much longer to process. It takes longer to figure out how to live with the pain and what to do with it since it always seems to be there.
It does get better. It does. You learn to accept it and live with it. I think healing is more about that acceptance than it is about "feeling better", you know?
But time really does help. After Thomas' first birthday I felt a definite shift in how I felt about his life and death.
You may not think so, but you are healing. Every day you're living and learning how to survive without your girls - and how to make them a part of your lives even though they're not here. That is healing.
As for your comment on my blog about avoiding pregnant friends, well, yes and no. I make sure I can handle it on the days when I make plans to see them. And if I can't - if I know it's going to take too much out of me - then I cancel. But I really try not to.
For me it's almost "immersion therapy". If I avoid them I won't get used to being with them - and someone's just always going to be pregnant, you know? So if I make myself visit them when I feel I can, it'll be that much easier the next time and with the next friend.
Theoretically, anyway. ;)
It helps to have sensitive friends though. If someone was ramming their pregnancy down my throat I would avoid them like the plague. No need to torture myself, after all.
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