Notes

When picking out flowers for the weekly visit to the cemetery, I found myself having to pick out flowers of equal size and shape so I wouldn't show favor for one daughter over her sister.

My cousin said, "Because that's what moms do." I nearly cried all over the tri-tip.

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I didn't realize how hard it is to be the 'outside-of-the-family' support person for the grieving mom/parents. My dear friend N works with me and during my 4-month absence, seemingly endless co-workers kept asking her about me, how I was doing on bedrest, did I give birth yet, were they boys or girls or both, how did it happen, when is the funeral, do they want calls, do they want flowers, when I was coming back to work, etc. She too wanted to be left alone, to grieve, but because this didn't happen to her directly she wasn't given the chance.

I love her dearly for that. Big, super-sized hugs to N.

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I was to have lunch with two favorite aunties and a godmother last Friday. I cancelled because the godmother was going to be there. Protect myself first.

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I made sure not to include any baby-related items in the garage sale (hand-me-downs from friends who were 'done'), so nobody would ask where the baby was. So the items are scattered in various closets in the house.

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Speaking of garage sales, I parted with my 10,000 Maniacs 'Our Time In Eden' CD. Purchased in Rhode Island in 1992 while I was on national student exchange. Memorized all the lyrics. Sold it for a buck. Also sold my beloved cat figurine collection.

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OMG I admitted I had a cat figurine collection. I'm not the stereotype, I promise. Parting with stuff is huge for me because I'm a semi-pack rat. Got it from my parents.

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Is it tacky to give my cousin one of the blankets she gave the girls as a gift? She is expecting a boy in May. It's mint green. The blanket, not the boy.

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I want to get pregnant. I want to wait. I want to get pregnant. I want to wait. I want to get pregnant. I want to wait until this year is almost over.

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My cat is sick of me. All I do is sneak up on him and hug him and kiss him. I don't even play with him.

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I was bugged because I can't talk about my grief to my cousins. But they are 26 y/o and younger; I will let them off the hook.

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No call, no prior notice. She showed up at my doorstep one afternoon. Once I found out that she knew our daughters died, I let her in and softened my expression. She works for the county and meets with parents of babies that died, to get permission to review their medical records for research with a board of doctors and nurses to create programs for different types of prenatal care, but mostly to get the stories of the moms in order to help other moms in the making. She apologized for having come so 'late', as in 2 months after our babies died. Usually she is right there when the tragedy is happening and soon afterward to support the parents. (We had the girls in another county so the paperwork she normally receives took a while.)

She is the mother of 8 -- 3 living. She was my angel that day.

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On Easter we plan to have a picnic breakfast with our daughters. Blankets and all at the cemetery.