Obsessed

I am obsessed.

With blogs. It's like I was born yesterday.

I have been reading blog upon blog upon blog, mostly by women, mostly by women who have lost their babies, mostly by women who have lost their babies due to an incompetent cervix (IC), mostly by women who have lost their babies due to IC and have a new "normal" because they are no longer the same woman they knew before they lost their babies.

I need to know that I'm not alone in my insurmountable grief for my beautiful twin daughters. I want to fast forward to two years from now when I would be holding my baby after getting the cerclage installed (like cable!), after 6 months of bedrest and muscle atrophy, and months of figuring out how to update this blog lying down. I want two years to pass. Someone please make it happen.

I also read blogs by families who chose to continue to support their extremely premature babies. Their parents (I've only read the blogs written by the moms) are exhausted, frightened, elated when their child/ren make/s progress, and not one of them can imagine life without their children, and every single one of them are filled with love for their babies. Many of these babies I read about are simply adorable, have had countless surgeries, have fun personalities, have been hospitalized several times, are so cute in the latest baby fashions, have sensory issues, smile a lot, can't sit up, have feeding tubes, and the list goes on.

I carried our daughters for 24w5d. They were in the NICU for 6 days and on day 3 they both developed grade IV IVHs. Dr. 1 gave us the grim news and honestly, I was on painkillers and there was residual drug activity going on in my head that the grimness did not register. Wannabe dad's tears said it all. On day 4 Dr. 1 (neo/ped) gave us his recommendation, he was backed up by Dr. 2 (ped), we spoke to Dr. 3 (ped neuro) and they were all in the same boat. We got in it with them and wannabe dad and I made the hardest decision of our lives -- to let our girls go in peace rather than subject them to more pokes and prods and pain and transfusions and drugs and oxygen therapy and have them receive diagnoses made up of acronyms before they learned their ABCs. We let them go on day 6 so they could meet their grandmother before leaving us. It was the worst day of our lives.

I can't figure out a clever ending to this post. I'm so sad about losing my girls. I'm happy for those families that still have their preemies. I pray for their strength and that their kids grow up big and strong.

And P.S. Not that I had a choice in the matter but this numbness from the c-section BUGS. The stupid pregnancy book said "numbness for a few weeks". Arrgh.