Emerging

So many posts, so little time. Ok, I lie. There actually is time, especially since the baby (whom I shall now call LR after much battle in my head about what to call him on this blog. I can't call him by a fake name, every time I've tried to come up with a pseudonym it just didn't do him justice. Bean? Bubba? Baby? And when he's not a baby anymore then what?) started sleeping through the night at 9 months old 3 months ago, but I have had seriously little motivation to keep up my blog. Or LR's blog for that matter, started a month (ok, two) after he was born and updated all the way through to Thanksgiving. Give me that much.

This blog was huge to me in the weeks and months after the twins died. I would pore over other deadbabymama blogs and nodded my head in agreement to the twisted and torn feelings I too experienced. I don't read those so much anymore, my internet time is limited to actual work (oh yes, I am now gainfully employed and not solely by self), and other free time is spent redirecting LR from inserting fingers in electrical sockets and cat butts, nursing him, feeding him, being a livebabymama. And it's so much better.

We still visit the girls on occasion, and I swear LR sees them flitting about, he waves to them now that he's learned to wave.

And now my time is up. Shucks! I really meant to write a long one, but I have to pick up the baby. Until next time.

Missing

Incognito. Gone. Absent. Though there's lots to post about, or rather, complain about, thought I might keep them to myself for a bit. But I'm probably about to explode, and while the beans are boiling and the chicken is cooking and the babe is sleeping and the hubby is out networking, I might have a few minutes to unload so I don't. I apologize in advance if this is not coherent.

Explode in a good way, that is. A friend of ours is friends with another couple who just had a baby. And talking to them about their baby and talking to us about our baby is like night and day. The other couple is so negative, as in the baby did this, the baby did that (as if the baby is doing it to piss them off). On the other hand, we just bubble over when we talk about LR. Incidentally, I'm changing his name from July to LR. Anyway, our friend loves that we just love love love our baby, and that the other couple doesn't know how good they have it.

Probably because they don't know how bad they could have it. We know.

So lately my world has been all about battling this darn eczema on LR. Poor little dude, his cradle cap got infected and weepy, has been I swear since Christmas. He started solids on the first of the year, baby oatmeal, then mixed with mashed bananas, then switched to rice, then rice with sweet potatoes, which I think gave him diarrhea. At the same time his cheeks were raw and weepy, so he was on antibiotics till last Saturday. Then Sunday started more diarrhea after he came off the antibiotics for the infected cheekies, then he had avocado, which on the 3rd day of having it he got a nice red rash around his mouth. No more avo. With the diarrhea came a lovely diaper rash, and he cries every time we clean his little bum. It kills me! He is finally over his 2nd cold, the first one was due to sicky relatives at Christmas, the 2nd one from his 6-month shots.

Welcome to motherhood! And we couldn't be any happier! she said with a smile.

In other news, I have fit back into my pre-twin pregnancy pants. I was all ready to sell them, all 10 measly pairs of non-branded pants and jeans of various shades of blues and blacks. They fit. Don't know if this is a good thing, especially since I have no muscle mass, and I think my milk supply is low (getting over a cold as well), and by the way to help LR's eczema (I think I'm helping? Can't tell) For the past three weeks I have not had dairy, soy, wheat, eggs, what else, tomatoes, citrus, so that means no yogurt, coffee with milk or soy milk, ice cream, cereal which I looove (Honey Bunches of Oats), oranges or lemons, cheese my favorite food group! Subway sandwiches! No little glasses of wine here and there because of sulfites. Who knows. Needless to say I am HUNGRY and feeling that I may have to do this for a while until LR's eczema improves which it may or may not and when the weather gets better in April it might go away anyway. I'm just worried that I'm not getting enough nutrition for my milk supply. I've been very good, except for absentmindedly inhaling two large cookies two weeks ago, one week into the "diet" (note: I am NOT dieting. No reason to.). It was just pure instinct.

What else. Oh yes, my hair is thin. I have always had thick hair, black, straight, thick, the kind that could do well in a shampoo commercial. Now? Meh. Limp, thin, no body. Doesn't matter, since it's always in a ponytail anyway. And the lack of thickness keeps me from getting a ponytail headache. Yeah! And the hair is growing back because I see through the pulled-back hair of the ponytail, thousands of little hairs sticking up and out. It is truly a sight to behold. I should get a mullet and be done with it. Then perm it.

And LR has been going to the neighbor's house once a week for the last two weeks. She watches two other children plus her own, but no babies. She is very nice and her kids are great with LR, always trying to make him laugh (a very easy thing to do). I just wish our business was steady so we could afford to use her even three times a week. But the hardest thing to do is get out of the house; once I master that (will I ever?) it's actually just easier to stay home! He goes over there tomorrow, I don't know if I have enough milk to send with him, since my freezer stash of probably five gallons of pumped milk is chock full of possible allergens, I can't use them for a while, but I need to do something with them before they go bad.

So much to do and think about. Some days it's overwhelming, like when LR doesn't take his naps and is consequently overtired and crying, or when I have assignments for work and all he wants to do is not be put down, or nurse till my nipple is floppy in his mouth, I know he's sleeping but when I gently ease it out he complains. It is too cute, watching that chubby face, those big brown eyes, that huge toothless smile, those soft chubby legs.

***

Below is the regimen for LR's eczema, which is mainly affecting both cheeks, his nose (from using us as scratching posts when we burp him), below his lower lids in the outside corners of his eyes. He also has raised pink bumps on the front of his elbows, pink patches in his neck folds, bumps in/on the front of his armpit folds, knee pits, and the outside edge of one wrist, pink raised patches on his upper chest and pink bumps on his torso. 

-10 minute bath in nearly warm water, every other day, use Dove soap recommended by derm, only on his neck, armpits, and diaper area. J&J baby shampoo on his head. Sometimes use Gentle Naturals Cradle Cap care to soften the dry pus scales on his head, then comb out during the shampoo. I never get them all or we could be there for hours. Wait till the next bath. Might start daily baths.

-we have a water softener, the water here is hard well water.

-get out of bath and slather Cerave cream all over. LR is allergic to Aveeno.

-apply Aquaphor on trouble spots, over the Cerave.

-if any areas are blistery or angry red, use Alclometasone steroid ointment

-we have Hydroxyzine for the itchiness, but he ends up spitting it out so we haven't used it consistently. It's minty and baby no likey.

-LR was on Keflex/Cephalexin to combat the infected cheeks (though it did nothing for his weepy head), for 10 days, until the 31st. Oh yeah, the 31st was the one year anniversary of my cerclage.

-I've been using a 50/50 mix of apple cider vinegar and water, sprayed on LR's head once a day, for the last four days. It stings him for maybe 20 seconds, though it could be the coldness of the liquid on his head that makes him cry a bit, but it seems to curb the itchiness. He doesn't smell very good. On day 3 his head appeared to be drying up, with some clear spots, that was the same day as a bath, day 4 it looked wetter than day 3, but the clear spots were still clear. I also put Desitin on a fingertip spot on his weepy head after a bath, which the next day didn't show any improvement. Don't know if I should continue to use it.

-LR is swaddled at night to keep him from scratching.

-I apply Cerave and Aquaphor four to five times a day, the steroid ointment on any bright red spots.

-I don't wear any perfume. The body wash I use is fragrance free. My hair is always in a ponytail. Laundry detergent is Tide Free & Clear. Might switch to All Free & Clear once the Tide is low.

Would love any help/advice/suggestions from others who have dealt with something similar. Someone suggested a detox for me and LR but I'm kinda wary about that.

Congrats

Many congrats to niobe and her family on the safe arrival of their little boy yesterday!

Dreaming

WANTED: Paranoid, anal retentive, first time mom of a living child and two non-living children seeks reliable, dependable, trustworthy, positive-outlooking, won't skip town with my kid, licensed, fingerprinted, child care provider in my home for almost 6 month old boy. Must promise not to plop him in front of the tv or leave him unattended with 3 cats and large dog. Must promise to change his diapers regularly and wash his clothes in case of a blow-out. Must give him lots of love and attention and love to make him laugh and put him down for 3 naps a day and moisturize him 2-3x a day as needed for his ezcema, and keep him from scratching his itchies until he bleeds. Headlamp (think miner) and nail clippers for 2x a week clippings available. Won't have friends over, especially that drama boyfriend. No perfume wearers, please. Must have good hygiene and wash hands often. Trilingual (english, tagalog, spanish, in any order) preferred. Please provide 15 references, resume, background check, credit check, credit score, driver's license, and your mom's name and contact info.

***

I clearly need more sleep.

He's getting so big.

We're on week 2 of his first cold (too much passing around during the holidays). Humidifier has decided to work only while on full blast. I'm paranoid of mold.

We switched health insurance for financial reasons. Biiiig difference in bedside manner; new HMO doc didn't ask us our names, wasn't very gentle with the squirming baby, kept asking "where where" while checking raised red spots on his scalp through his thick hair for infected cradle cap spots (was she blind?), barked heavily-accented instructions with one hand on the doorknob. It was, after all, 5:15 pm.

Clothes

Faded, barely readable, five strips of papers with purplish writing. Stock number, item description, price. Dug out from the back of a mixed up junk drawer, they were receipts from clothing purchased two years ago, dated June to September of '06. Before everything went to shit.

I remember telling myself not to go overboard buying those maternity clothes. Had I gone to term I would have spent more than the $249.10 that I calculated a few minutes ago, just before throwing the receipts away. I was able to use some of those clothes early on in my pregnancy with July, but given the s p r e a d of my hips from the twins even those didn't last very long.

Luckily my girlfriend came to the rescue with a huge plastic bin of clothes, hers and her sister's, both declaring their doneness with childbearing, and although they are both 3" shorter than me, crop pants were great for the summer and there were lots of t-shirts and many cute dresses. I also had lots of maternity tanks left over, and skirts that were helpful even after the baby was born.

Maternity clothes for babylost mamas are not just clothes with baggy bellies. They are a symbol of a past life or lives, never to be realized, of hope gone forever, of firsts that will happen only in our minds. I didn't have the financial luxury of dumping all of my old clothes and starting fresh, which is why I am so grateful for the donation, more than my girlfriend will ever know.

I did wear many of the clothes that I bought previously, but each and every time I put something on I remembered the girls and sighed that lost sigh. I was actually happy to stuff myself into clothes that I didn't choose. I wasn't attached to them and won't be sad should I have to return them or pass them on. 

The clothes I did buy, well, that's another story. I could possibly hold on to them for a very long time.

Give

I have the following twin-related items available for a free giveaway (sorry, shipping in the US only 'cuz I'm pretty darn broke after paying for that cerclage): 

1. Book entitled "Twins! Pregnancy, Birth, and the First Year of Life"

2. Maternity shirt, size M, that says "Babies Happen" (*shudder* I can't even look at it)

I doubt we'll be having twins anytime soon, so these have to leave my house. I'll update this post if/when these items are spoken for.

Changed

As wannabe dad said in the post below, it was a busy day, the two year anniversary since the twins died. I know he thought of them all day, and I was glad that we went to the cemetery the day before and sat with them, gourmet coffees in hand to ward off the chill, baby asleep in his carseat, cheeks rosy. But the actual day was like any other Monday: meetings, deadlines, copywriting, phone calls, consultations, bookkeeping, and add on baby's four month shots and a follow up dermatology appointment for his rashy cheeks. The day ended without even a nice dinner, no special meal prepared to remember them, just the early evening nursing tank filling before baby's bedtime.

We did light "their" candle before turning in, a small pumpkin-scented candle that wannabe dad picked up at Whole Foods two years ago, to thwart the hospital scent during those 10 days of extreme bedrest (hmm a new reality show?). It sat in the bathroom of all places after we got home, never getting lit, but occasionally getting picked up and sniffed and slamming the smeller back to the dread, the fear, the uncertainty, the darkness.

Wannabe dad composed his post on his pda, for me to post the next day since the keyboard wasn't showing up on blogger for some reason. The candle scent filled the room, it was past our bedtime, we shared a quiet moment before dozing off. I jumped up and forced myself to blow the candle out before really getting on that sleep train.

And that was it. Certainly a change from last year's little shindig. Most have moved on, we are in the process, thankfully not in such the deep hell that we were in the first year. My babies died. You could see it carved on my face that first year. I would venture to say that having our baby doesn't erase our hurt and sadness and longing for our twins. He helps, but having a baby is not a fix. I wish more people got that.

***

I should probably give him a name besides baby on this blog. That won't fly after he's done being one. For lack of any creativity here I'll call him July, the month of his birth, though I reserve the right to change it should inspiration strike, ever. I've always thought of July as a masculine month, maybe because my brother's birthday is in July (one day after July's. Oh goodness, is this going to be confusing?).

***

Oh my gosh, it was my birthday a few months ago. Completely slipped my mind to write about it, although it was a happier event than last year's. I missed my girls, but July filled some part of that hole in my heart.