Obsessed

I am obsessed.

With blogs. It's like I was born yesterday.

I have been reading blog upon blog upon blog, mostly by women, mostly by women who have lost their babies, mostly by women who have lost their babies due to an incompetent cervix (IC), mostly by women who have lost their babies due to IC and have a new "normal" because they are no longer the same woman they knew before they lost their babies.

I need to know that I'm not alone in my insurmountable grief for my beautiful twin daughters. I want to fast forward to two years from now when I would be holding my baby after getting the cerclage installed (like cable!), after 6 months of bedrest and muscle atrophy, and months of figuring out how to update this blog lying down. I want two years to pass. Someone please make it happen.

I also read blogs by families who chose to continue to support their extremely premature babies. Their parents (I've only read the blogs written by the moms) are exhausted, frightened, elated when their child/ren make/s progress, and not one of them can imagine life without their children, and every single one of them are filled with love for their babies. Many of these babies I read about are simply adorable, have had countless surgeries, have fun personalities, have been hospitalized several times, are so cute in the latest baby fashions, have sensory issues, smile a lot, can't sit up, have feeding tubes, and the list goes on.

I carried our daughters for 24w5d. They were in the NICU for 6 days and on day 3 they both developed grade IV IVHs. Dr. 1 gave us the grim news and honestly, I was on painkillers and there was residual drug activity going on in my head that the grimness did not register. Wannabe dad's tears said it all. On day 4 Dr. 1 (neo/ped) gave us his recommendation, he was backed up by Dr. 2 (ped), we spoke to Dr. 3 (ped neuro) and they were all in the same boat. We got in it with them and wannabe dad and I made the hardest decision of our lives -- to let our girls go in peace rather than subject them to more pokes and prods and pain and transfusions and drugs and oxygen therapy and have them receive diagnoses made up of acronyms before they learned their ABCs. We let them go on day 6 so they could meet their grandmother before leaving us. It was the worst day of our lives.

I can't figure out a clever ending to this post. I'm so sad about losing my girls. I'm happy for those families that still have their preemies. I pray for their strength and that their kids grow up big and strong.

And P.S. Not that I had a choice in the matter but this numbness from the c-section BUGS. The stupid pregnancy book said "numbness for a few weeks". Arrgh.

Blaze

Layers. Super socks. Not the cotton tank top. Wicking fabric. Hat. Long sleeves. It was our first hike of the year and 7 months since the last one. Compare this to 14+ hikes in 2005. In fact, my first date with wannabe dad was a hike back in April 2003.

I love hiking. It's more than being out in nature, maneuvering the cow poo, avoiding ticks and poison oak, taking in the scenery. It's about moving to your rhythm, being equals with your hiking partners, challenging yourself each step of the way. It's about not getting blisters, bringing enough water, a walking-while-snacking smorgasbord, being covered in dust, getting drenched with sweat, and rewarding yourself with a big beer at the end. Sure, the views are beautiful, but the camaraderie and conversation trump light filtering through forest fog.

We have made friendships on the trails. There are friends and there are hiking friends. Hiking friends are those who move away but are motivated to return for a hike with the gang. It's not a mere hike by definition, but a revelation. We catch up when we catch up. We are moved while we move. Secrets are revealed and locked up again. Casual acquaintances are made close. In our case, friends become wife and husband.

We'll blaze many a trail in 2007 with our hiking friends. We will try to mend the holes in our hearts where our daughters should be, and luckily, we'll have help along the way.

Overflowing

Somehow, a pregnant momma cat found her way into our attic and had three babies. We thought it was just the one cat we see in our neighborhood, but every day for about two weeks we heard a bunch of feet jumping and bumping around above us. We called the builders to send someone over to get the cats out (design flaw that left a hole in the roof that allowed animal access yes?). Project Cat Evacuation had begun.

He tried everything. Yelling. Air horns. Jumping. Dancing.

Nothing.

Us: Try it when they’re gone.
Him: I can’t tell when they’re gone.
Us: I see the mom outside now. Go find the kittens.
Him: I don’t see any kittens. There’s too much insulation.

A few days later…
Us: I still hear them. Do you see them?
Him: I can’t get back there.
Us: What should we do?
Him: Hmmm…

A week later…
Us: I smell something dead.
Him: You sure?
Us: Oh no.

Then we went to the hospital and were gone for two weeks. We were dealing with a very tragic event in our lives – the birth and death of our twin daughters. A few days before the funeral we saw mom and two kittens wandering outside but still heard pitiful meows coming from the attic (thankfully nobody died up there). We set up a trap and caught a kitten! Knowing we didn’t want to keep her (don’t get me wrong, we *love* cats and our sweet Mr. Elvis died in April), she stayed in the trap for a few days with food and fresh water while we discussed several options:

1. take her to the shelter (around here you can’t just take a stray to the shelter without leaving a thumbprint and an iris scan)
   
2. give her to a rescue group (one of them we knew about only accepted spayed/neutered cats – what the f??? – the rest were too damn far)
   
3. take her to a field far far away (where she could be some coyote’s dinner if she didn’t starve to death first)

Obviously none of these were good options.

Still pondering, we were wimps about touching her until our friend took her out to pet her. He handed her to us, and the instant she was in our arms we fell in love. How could we not?

Hola!

We found out she is a HE. Oops! He’s grown so much in the last month and a half and we are so happy that he found us just as our two angels left. We spent 24 weeks building up our stores of love for our girls. We’re overflowing with it and our kitty is only too happy to be the recipient.

At least we like to think so.

Are you going to continue to bother me whilst I rest?

Bonding

"Our records indicate you are a new mother receiving State Disability Insurance (SDI)benefits for a pregnancy-related disability. After your baby is born and you have recovered from your disability, you may be eligible for up to six weeks of Paid Family Leave (PFL) benefits if you remain off work to bond with your baby."

Does the baby have to be living?

Is mourning considered a disability?

Will I ever recover?

As far as I'm concerned, I'm still a mother. And since the girls were our first living children, I guess that makes me a new mother.

We bond with our daughters. We remember their short lives. We are attached to our memories of them during their 6 days in the NICU. We connect with the feeling of holding them after they were removed from the ventilators. We look at their pictures every day. We visit them every week. And especially today, their two-month birthday, we're forever bound to feelings of loss -- for a future with our daughters that will never be.

25 Firsts

1. The first time a turtle was placed on my lap, I cried on it (I was 3).
2. The first bike I learned to ride didn't have training wheels.
3. My first kiss was icky and not like what I saw in movies.
4. My first D was in college and quite shocking to everyone.
5. I went on my first cruise last year.
6. I didn't finish last in my first half marathon.
7. I bought my first car at the ripe age of 29.
8. My husband is my first and only (**so far**).
9. I am not my husband's first wife.
10. My first cat was named after a sweet Japanese dessert.
11. My first house was purchased on a first and a second mortgage.
12. My first taste of alcohol was a wine cooler.
13. I was 16 when I first learned to drive. I still can't parallel park.
14. I have yet to get in my first car accident.
15. My first job paid $3.75 an hour.
16. I'll never forget my first boyfriend.
17. My first concert was Paula Abdul.
18. I got my first cell phone in 1998.
19. The first time I hiked Half Dome, it took 13 hours.
20. My first trip to Europe was in 2002.
21. My first pregnancy was in July '05.
22. My first miscarriage was in July '05.
23. I lost my first twin girls in Nov '06.
24. I planned my first funeral in Dec '06.
25. This is my first blog.